May 05 2008
Ready, Aim…
I’m just waiting for someone to yell, “fire.” I’m ready, my aim is set. The limbo between “aim” and “fire” seems interminable.
I’m pattering around my quiet abode tonight all by myself. Four little darlings lie sleeping in their little beds—they’re so beautiful when they sleep, their long dark eyelashes splashed across their creamy pink faces. Everything is so quiet, so still. So perfectly right.
Brian is five hundred miles away tonight, and will be for a few weeks. It’s only been one day—hardly long enough to even notice that he’s gone. But I feel the distance acutely. I miss him.
He saw our house tonight. Our offer was accepted. I’m already contemplating the placement of our paintings and mirrors and photographs. Which child gets which bedroom. Which tables go where. Which couches I’d really like to give to charity because I don’t think I can stand to look at them anymore… In my mind, I’m decorating a house I’ve never actually seen in person. And yet, I consider it home.
Isaac was diagnosed this last week. No surprises. I’d been calling him “autistic” for a while now. But it’s official now. The psychiatrist who diagnosed him told me that he usually makes moms cry when he issues such a diagnosis. I assured him that I’d already done my crying. “But now I feel empowered,” I told him. “I can finally start getting him some help now.”
Not that I think there will be no more tears. I’m realistic enough to understand that this is going to be a lifelong journey, with ups and downs, tears and laughter and sometimes both combined. Usually both combined.
I’m beginning to look at our stuff. Our junk. Our ridiculous piles of “necessities.” I suppose I get peevish like this every time I move. I’m now looking at our possessions in terms of, “if I pack that now, will I need it before I actually move?” And the answer is almost always no. Goodness, if I’m not going to need it in the next few weeks, do I really need it at all? And yet, into the box it goes.
My gal-pal Charrette (have you checked out her new blog? You must!) and I were laughing about that yesterday at church. Come to think of it, Charrette and I were as irreverent as the children we work with in the Primary—snickering and chattering while someone else was teaching the lesson. Whoops. I’m sure the teacher really loved us yesterday. Anyway, the teacher was telling the story of Lehi to the Primary children. Lehi, Sariah, and family were commanded to leave Jerusalem and to leave all their possessions behind. “Lucky Sariah,” I whispered to Charrette, who readily agreed.
Not that Sariah was lucky. But I DO wonder if, since her plate was so very full and so very much was being asked of her, if God was truly blessing her by telling her she didn’t have to deal with all the stuff.
So, I’m packing, but I’m leaving out some clothes for everyone. Some pants, some t-shirts, and something to wear to church on Sunday. Princess Fluffy’s school uniforms are all left out, because she might as well get as much use out of them now. (When we get to Colorado, she and Bubba will enter that delightful world of… um… public school. Oh, it’ll be fine. But I’ll miss the strict uniforms we’ve had here.) Anyway, if somehow we end up staying here in limbo for longer than we expect, then we’ll each end up wearing the same outfits to church week after week. Isn’t it stupid that that bothers me? For all my talk of disgust with my possessions and my desires to just throw it all in the garbage, the truth is that I can’t bear to part with any of it. In fact, I went to the mall tonight and bought myself yet another new skirt and pair of shoes. Ludicrous.
There’s so much more to say on all of this, but really I’m just rambling. Filling the silence. Missing my sweety. Contemplating my life and the many new twists it’s suddenly taken. I suppose it’s easier to harp on tangible things like possessions than to actually figure out my new reality. Maybe that’s why I bought yet another skirt and pair of shoes…
Come on. Fire, already.
This is beautifully written.
And we WERE naughty in primary, weren’t we?
Fun, though!
That whole Lehi/Sariah thing really resonated with me, too.
Especially because I’ve been on a similar journey, sorting through too much junk as we remodel our basement. It truly is a burden. I had a friend in Pasadena that used to say “We don’t own our stuff. Our stuff owns us.” These past few weeks we’ve been lower than indentured servants to our belongings. It isn’t pretty.
I LOVE that you bought more stuff tonight!
Probably very therapetuic, in a warped sort of way.
But the one thing that we never have to move or store, and can take with us, even into the next life, is our relationships.
Congrats on all fronts - the house, being ready with Fuzzles, and your new skirt and shoes
I never thought of Sariah’s story that way–but it makes some sense!
And the sad thing is that if you do pack up something, there’s a good chance you will want it afterall. It’s Murphy’s Law. Good luck with the move.
Good luck with everything . . . do hope the “Fire” ‘command’ comes sooner than later for ya!
Your post made me cry.
I’m sorry. I’m glad. About Fuzzles that is.
I’m sorry you have to move and uproot your kids. I somehow feel a lot of pain for you this morning, and yet you are going to make it, somehow. I can’t wait for you to be moved and be able to settle into your new reality. It’s such a nice feeling to be able to make that new step, and to know that it is fully made.
oooh I wouldn’t be able to part from my stuff either. I know it’s stupid, but I’m like that as well. It’s your stuff that turns a house into a home where you feel at ease, that makes it “yours”….apart from your family itself of course.
do you still have to wait long before moving, if the offer on the house has been accepted??
how is autism support in Denver??
take care!
Good luck with it all. Home alone with 4 kids, I don’t envy you one bit. And moving on top of it!
Good luck with your boy. I have a sister who’s never gotten a diagnosis for her son and I can see that she doesn’t necessarily want a label but having a name means having a support group and being able to benefit from others’ experiences. Good luck with it all.
I’m wondering if I could have written “good luck” in there a few more times? Repetitively redundant much?
good luck with everything
Ahhh moving. Oh how I hate it! Good luck with everything. I know the next few weeks won’t be easy, but I think they will be SO worth it!
I’ll come help you paint those walls
I agree with Charette. So beautifully written.
I had a happy thought the other day. When looking into flights to SLC, many were routed through Denver. You never know. I just might see you again some day. Yup. Cause it’s all about me, don’t'cha know.
So happy that you’re on the verge of something that will be so much better for your family. I’d be feeling pretty restless were I in your shoes right now.
I’d like to get rid of my stuff but I don’t have the energy to get rid of it
I agree about Sariah. Sometimes I just want to get everyone a hammock and move somewhere warm with trees. In limbo, that’s what this stage is called where you are now. Hope you get to fire soon. As for the diagnosis, I love your empowered attitude, it will get your little man far.
I’m feeling this today…as I tackle the mounds of laundry. Really, do we need this many clothes? It’s getting ridiculous! And yet, I was just bemoaning the fact that I let a 20% off coupon from Children’s Place expire without using it. Yeah, my priorities are all kinds of screwy.
Um, have I mentioned that I wear the same thing to church every week? And the same pair of pants almost every day? I like to think that, since they are black, no one notices. But I actually don’t really care.
Ditch as much stuff as possible, I say. Just not the art or the books.
It’s a lovely post–all melancholic and insightful (love the Sariah bit).
And there’s nothing worse than limbo. Nothing.
Oh, Brillig, I hope this period of time flies by and you can be settled soon.
And I’m with Luisa - DITCH. You’ll be glad you did.
And hugs on Isaac - both in support and in joy and patience for the journey ahead of you.
I hear ya, babe. Completely.
I hate limbo. I’d rather be in a hard place than waiting. So I can relate.
Good luck on the move. We’ll miss you in the BBBBB.
I’m still trying to recover from moving in last summer, so I feel your pain. I’m very happy for you guys, but my kids will be sad! I’m glad I will be able to keep tabs on you in blogland…
All I can say is this post encompasses all that is so wonderful about you and draws me to you. Your love of your family, your conviction for your religion, your ability to feel empowered in situations that many find overwhelming, stressful, maybe insurmountable.
I love it! And I think you’re pretty darn special!
I love your take on stuff Brill. I hope the move happens soon so you can get settled and start finding what you need for your little man. Hugs.xx
good luck brillig!
You express your heart feelings so very well. Moving is one of those large transition times in so many areas of one’s life. It is a great time to decide to let things go–and it’s also a time to get a real LOOK at what all you do have–I often find things I don’t even remember having.
Hugs sent for you and your son–may all the help he needs be there where you’re moving, so his needs will be met, and he will be able to soar as high as Life can take him.
Oh, Brill, what a powerful post! I’m sorry you’ve been feeling so alone. I feel like I need to be a watchdog or something when Mike is gone and the kids are home.
I’m so happy the house came through! And I think I’ve heard good things about the Colorado schools. Well, for learning, anyway.
I know what you mean so much about the possesions. When we were buying our house, we had to clean out the attic of my mom’s house that we were renting and figure out what we wanted to store while we stayed in a rental until the house deal closed. I had so much stuff sit in boxes that I never wanted to unpack because they were full of junk I didn’t need, yet couldn’t bring myself to get rid of (mostly because it was sub-charity level and I couldn’t throw it in the garbage). Sheesh.
I very much see the blessing in Isaac’s diagnosis. Your pain through the waiting was so evident. It’s always hard to see good in situations that are so, so hard. But from my experience, the only way to heal yourself and grow in these situations is to use your voice to raise awareness and education.
Well, this comment got really really long.
Happy Mother’s Day, Brilly-Poo.
Anne - didn’t know you were moving to Colorado. Sheesh, go away from a while, help husband with kidney transplant and recovery, come back and friends are moving away! I hope its somewhere fun in Colorado. I went to Junior High and High School in southwestern Colorado and loved it.
We have to catch up, grab some lunch or something, before you go! Have a great night.
This kind of reminds me of that scene late into the movie Labyrinth (I know you know what I’m talking about), where she lands in that huge area with piles and piles of (mostly useless) stuff. I always feel that way when we move.
Sounds like you might be too busy, but Our next Blogging Babe get together will be:
Saturday ∙ May 17, 2008
11:00 a.m.
Golden Corral
Orem
Sorry, I’ve been so preoccupied with Alvin’s surgery and recovery I forgot to plan anything. So let’s meet at Golden Corral at 11:00, rather than 10:00. We’ll get our usual room and just get together and visit. It’ll be great to see you all!
See you Saturday.
I’m speechless. But so… in awe of you.
You and your family have so much going on right now - I’m wishing you luck, strength and patience to endure through it all.
That was a beautifully written post… so incredible poignant, and down to earth all at the same time.
All the best…
We just finished our move. The actual moving stuff around part of it anyway. We’re still working on the whole building a life, getting settled part.
I know just how you feel. I hate having to pack everything to move. I would be so much simpler to snap my fingers, have all of the most precious memory items pack themselves. Then the rest would magically disappear to some charity organization. Of course this would also require some magic or divine intervention when I arrived at the new house…everything I need would be brand new and already set up when I walked through the front door. Oh well, we cannot have everything but it is nice to dream.
I heard there was to be a community yard sale in our neighborhood so I purged many, many, many things into boxes. Unfortunately the yard sale was the same day as Snow White’s birthday party so I still have boxes and boxes of “stuff” in our basement along with the normal “go-away-box” (aka charity box) we keep in the laundry room. I really want to give the clothes and shoes to a family who really needs them or really wants them. Most of the items are practically new and some have never been worn…Oshkosh dresses Oshkosh shorts, Oshkosh overall skirts/shorts, Oshkosh shorts & shirts, beautiful cotton dresses with puffed sleeves, once worn or never worn shoes (Snow White out grew them before she had a chance to wear them). Dresses and suits I bought because they were just too pretty to pass up and then I never wore them. Shoes I keep in my closet but never wear.
Good luck with the move! Thinking about all the decorating ideas and who gets which bedroom is definitely in the top 5 of the Happy list for moving.