Apr 10 2008
Getting to Know You… and Me
I recently met a woman who had some kind of magical powers, I swear. Her name is Deb. Upon meeting her, she instantly put me at ease. I was so comfortable with her, I found myself opening up, being my “real” self, and feeling that I knew her real self too. Others who have met Deb have said the very same thing about her.
There’s nothing flashy about her. She’s not beautiful, but not ugly. She’s just… well… unremarkable. Physically, anyway. But she’s honest, she’s real. Instantly, all pretenses are off, and real communication begins. I got the feeling that I was seeing what everyone else– including those who know her best– sees.
Brian and I have been talking about Deb ever since. As Brian says, she’s just very easy to get to know, and impossible to dislike.
So I asked Brian if I was easy to get to know. I know I’m not, but I wanted to know what he had to say. His answer was so interesting. He said that when he first met me, I was incredibly sure of myself. I said what was on my mind, I didn’t get giggly or too-smiley or any of those other things that I do when I’m uncomfortable or… hiding.
He told me that there were only a few exceptions to this. I was just me. Take me as I am. But then, the exceptions became more the “norm” and I began hiding my real self, when meeting strangers (or even with acquaintances). I began putting on a face. The face was pleasant, but not real. It wasn’t me.
As I thought about what he was saying, I had to agree. I think there is a very small handful of people who know me (in person) nowadays. I think the hiding game that I play is caused by a number of things. Sometimes I’m terribly intimidated. Sometimes I don’t particularly like the person I’m talking to, or maybe I don’t trust them. Sometimes I’m trying too hard, and therefore losing myself in the process.
Am I harder to get to know now because I’m not comfortable with myself? Maybe I don’t actually know who I am anymore? I mean, around my kids, I’m mom. But around other adults— who am I?
I don’t know why this chance meeting with Deb has stuck with me so much. She was just so comfortable and easy to be around and I admire her so much for that. But, I wonder… if I try to emulate that and do it just how she did it, then am I really being me? Or am I just trying to be Deb?
I guess that’s one more reason to adore the bloggy world. Here I can say what I want, how I want. I can take off that mask and remember that maybe there is a real person somewhere deep inside of me. And some of the friendships I’ve made, built upon the bloggy foundation, are the ones that I feel I can be myself in.
How about you? Are you hard to get to know? Do you walk away from conversations and hardly recognize the person you just came across as? Are you fake with some people, and your real self with others? It’s all so fascinating to me right now. I’d love to hear your take on it… 
I’m always terrified I come across a lot more aloof in first impressions–but I’m really not, I swear!
In the bloggy world, I’m funnier, more self-assured, and more gutsy. I’m all these things in real life, but to a much lesser degree.
There are layers and layers. Almost no one knows the real me.
It depends.
In general, in my professional life, people know the real me. My friends and neighbors know the real me. The kicker for me is that at church I feel like I have to put up a facade. Which is why I love this song so much, because it is so true.
Ah, I think you said it better than me. I use to be real, all the time. Then a few things happened in my life that made me retreat. One experience that I had was with my extended family. My husband’s family is made up of all women. Hubby is the only man. So when I entered, I was not accepted. I was criticized and told I wasn’t good enough. I was ‘informed’ that the way I did things wasn’t the ‘correct’ way.
I’ve found that now I’m much more guarded. I don’t let the in-laws get to know me. I put on my face for them and refuse to let them in. I do have a few groups of friends that I’m open with, but mostly I’m guarded.
And I hate that about me.
I’m much more witty on my blog b/c I have time to think before I write. In person, I feel like I’m much more boring.
And I don’t put it all out there on my blog, so my blog doesn’t really represent the real me. I’m aware of who some of my readers are (my husband, his co-workers, my parents…) so I try to keep it very non-offensive.
I have found that as I get older, I am more guarded, more cautious and more . . . lame? I don’t make friends nearly as easily. I was used to being “that girl” who moved to a new place and immediately had tons of friends. I’ve lived in my home for six months and I know ONE of my neighbors and have ONE pseudo friend at church. Sometimes I think about me now and wonder who the crap this girl is.
Then I get with my girlfriends and others from the “old” me, and it’s like all that guardedness goes away and I am myself again. It’s like a breath of fresh, immature air!
I think I have a hard time hiding the real me. Usually I don’t try. Over time, I’ve learned it is wise to hold back in some situations. Maybe like someone said, there’s enough layers it takes more than one meeting to really get me, but what a fascinating subject. Maybe I will start asking people about that …
As for being like Deb, if you are just letting everyone see the real you, you aren’t being her, you’re being you, does that make sense? What a lot of yous!
As for blogging, I have found that most of us just let it all hang out and really are probably more ourselves than in person. That is, in English. I searched all over the Spanish blogdom and found them to be pretty stuffy and boring which is such a hoot, because culturally, in person, they have a tendency to let it all hang out. Maybe we all just have this as an outlet for our alter ego?
This post is beyond brilliant…you’ve expressed so well something I have trouble putting into words.
For me, blogging has been my gradual release from all that used to be fake about me. I’m nowhere near 100% there yet, but I feel myself letting go of the need to try to hard to impress, or to hide my true feelings for fear of rejection.
In fact, I think my hubby would say that sometimes I’m a little bit -too- much myself these days. It’s a bit uncomfortable at first…I felt really vulnerable, of course, but I’m happier with myself than I have been in a really long time.
That’s a tough one. There are few times when I really feel like I can let myself loose and be the real me. Usually that’s with people who love me, warts and all, but even there I tend to hold back because I know that letting myself speak my mind can cause unintentional hurt.
Once my older sister came to one of my booksignings and said that she’d never seen me so comfortable and just being ME before, that I was obviously in my element. That took me by surprise, and I had to think about it. While I usually don’t enjoy booksignings all that much, she had a point, especially with that one, which was a great signing.
When I’m with my writer friends or in the book world, there’s a deep part of me that feels like it’s home.
I had a friend in high school with so many layers and masks it was hard to know if I ever knew the real version. There’s got to be some way to balance it, but I haven’t found it yet.
I think I’m probably really hard to get to know. Oh, you may think you know me, but what you’ll really be getting is the face I show everyone. I have another face that I’m not sure anyone sees, even my husband. Sadly it’s because he hurt me once in conversation very deeply and I have yet to learn to trust him again. (this was actually close to when we first met)
I started a second anonymous blog and I’ve begun to write there more frequently. At this point I don’t think anyone reads it, but that’s okay. Maybe it will eventually lead me to the point where I don’t keep everything inside, in real life as well.
I believe I’m easy to get to know. Pretty straight forward and unguarded. But people who don’t care to know me won’t find it easy to know me. It does take some work, even if it doesn’t take much. If I don’t sense that you care, I won’t bother to reveal anything.
So the weird thing is, there are some that have said I’m hard to know. But it’s really just that they had no interest in looking.
Ah! Getting people to talk about themselves is rarely a difficult thing!
I’d rather talk about you, for the moment. This is an odd thing to be insecure about. We’re all at least a little bit fake. And lets not dog to hard on the ability to be polite to people we don’t like or which we don’t want to be around.
Anyway, can you be sure that anything you might do would make you more “Debish,” to say nothing to the issue of whether this would still be an authentic you? Ah, but there it is I think. Authenticity. Maybe that’s what she’s got going on. But that can only really come from courage and confidence, I suppose. Authenticity and a palpable interest in other people are usually an unbeatable mix. I don’t fancy I have either in great measure, and maybe you’re feeling the same.
If you did say, (1) concentrate on not fearing other’s judgments of your opinions (in the real non-blog world, mind you) or doing what you think is right and (2) try and cultivate more of an interest in others which they can perceive, would that make you less Brillig-brand you? Or just new and improved Brillig-brand you?
I.e. am I most “myself” when I don’t attempt to transform myself in any significant way? And, regardless, is “myself” something I should really value? If something about “myself” changes in a way which I think makes me happier, isn’t that good? I think I’d adopt that new person as the new “myself,” the old be damned (as he may well be). I’ve been told on many occasions how [fill in any old bad character trait] I am, not least notably by you (hey, I’m not saying I didn’t have it coming). These traits were not things I had to work at being. Quite the contrary, I’ve had to work to be rid of that “myself.” Yet having done so, somehow I still feel like myself. A rebel that doesn’t really rebel.
Although…I wore comfy slippers to the Priesthood Session, just to show my independence. In the ancient past, I would never have gone. Now I do, but with slippers. The slippers remind me: I’m still myself.
As I get older, I tend to ‘put it all out there’. I hate playing games. Still, it turns off a lot of people. Last night a friend told me that I try too hard. Her advice: Play mysterious.
Are you hard to get to know? It really depends on how I feel about the person I’m talking too. The older I get the more easily able I am to share my true self with others. But sometimes I just don’t “click” with someone right away and it takes time to open up.
Do you walk away from conversations and hardly recognize the person you just came across as? Absolutely. Not as much as I use to but it still happens. Then I go home and replay what I must have looked and sounded like in my mind and agonize over it.
Are you fake with some people, and your real self with others? I don’t think I’m ever fake, it’s just that different aspects of my personality present themselves stronger around different people.
Honestly I’m still trying to figure out exactly what I’m like. I feel like I’m always changing.
I am hard to get to know in person. I am not comfortable in social situations. I am kind of a dork/class clown type. When Thad and I were first married I would email him when I was mad at him. It was so much easier to express my true feelings that way.
I think we all have some sort of act to certain people. It’s human nature.
What a wonderful story about that lady. Hmmm I believe some people are like that, you know, give off that vibe. Interesting, I’ d love to meet her now…;)
Here’s my latest sos link.
http://ellenmcdermott.blogspot.com/
Ps I love your blog. Great reading.
I think I am hard to get to know - in person. But it really depends. Some people have told me that I’m hard to read, but others tell me that I’m super friendly and my personality can be attractive in that way.
In my mind, I’m friendly to who I want to be friendly to, and if I like you, you’ll know it. It all depends, I guess!
I don’t know if there’s a hidden me or not. I kind of think I’m a “you get what you see” kind of woman. But also, when I have my moments of faith lacking or extreme pain, those are private and within my home, shared with no one. Huh, interesting concept. I’ll have to ask my husband the same question you asked yours!
All in all, I think you’re very cool!
By the way, in June I am launching a virtual book tour for “Forged in the Refiner’s Fire.” Are you willing to be one of my stops?
First: You’ll pick a day in June to post.
Second: I’ll mail you the book.
Third: You email me some interview questions, which I answer and email back to you.
Fourth: You post the review and interview on the agreed upon day.
Are you in? Does it sound like fun? Drop me an email at ces@candacesalima.com and let me know.
Brill, I’m similar to you, but since I got ill a couple of years ago and had some counselling, I feel like I got me back. I always put the smile on, put the mask on, but now the mask is gone most of the time and I love it. Blogging has also helped me tons with this and I’m so glad I found you all. Hugs.
I can’t open-up for strangers right away. It’s unconscious but I am always first on guard a bit to see how they respond, what sense of humor they are, …I try to make a good impression and hence I loose some of my spontaneity.
I don’t easily start conversations with strangers at all.
And also on my blog, I’m on guard what I can write on the internet and what I can’t.
Yet that’s ok though. That’s how I am.
Something same happen with me..I feel something different.
I feel like I’m pretty much me in most situations, but then I hear other people describe me or tell me how they see me, and I think, “Who the heck are they talking about?”
I’ve pondered this topic a lot. (Thanks for a great post, by the way). I thought I knew myself pretty well until our most recent move. I find that I am much more guarded and difficult to get to know than I was in California. I think people in general are more open and accepting there, and it’s contagious. Someone else who noticed the same phenomenon wondered if it’s the weather — making the entire lifestyle there more open and inviting, with more interaction, because we don’t have to hibernate all winter to survive. Who knows.
Anyway, the comment I wanted to address was your description of Deb as “unremarkable” — and yet it was that very quality that in part made her so very approachable and extraordinary.
When my mom had a mastectomy, the doctors kept a portion of her breast tissue to perform a biopsy, and the test came back proclaiming it “grossly unremarkable.” We kind of laughed at their medical terminology, the doctorspeak that could make anything sound horrible. And then my mom wrote a personal essay on the term “grossly unremarkable” and how she had at times thought of herself as “grossly unremarkable”, shying away from the limelight and from other people. But the diagnosis in this case pronounced the examined breast tissue completely cancer-free — and that’s a good thing. Certainly no negative connotations to be found there. If “grossly unremarkable” means not necessarily boring or bland, but amazingly pure, with nothing to hide, nothing that offends, nothing to be rooted out and destroyed — whole — then it’s an extraordinary quality and one we should all strive for…perhaps one we can’t consciously develop, but that might emerge as we experience life with an open mind and an open heart.
Another example I had of someone with literally no walls to tear down was my grandmother. She was remarkable inside and out. She was practically our church’s poster grandma, with a look like Mrs. Santa Claus, from the long white hair twisted into a bun to the starched white ruffled apron and twinkly eyes. We all adored her, and each of us grandchildren swears we were her favorite, while every stranger who ever crossed paths with her felt like they were her new best friend. To me she was pure magic. I know she had some horrific trials in her early marriage — their first baby was stillborn — and she had a near-death experience when she was middle-aged where she came very close to meeting her maker. I wonder sometimes if it was through her grief that she cultivated such extraordinary humanity — she honestly loved everyone she met. And then I wondered if perhaps some of the gut-wrenching trials you’ve experienced with Isaac are perhaps reshaping your soul, making you more authentic and approachable.
wow charette nice long comment
This blog post gets you thinking. I also have thought about this many times, as I’m sure many others do. I believe it was shakespeare who said life is an act? I believe those are true words for most. I think its a defense mechanism because there are specific reasons why we hold back to strangers or certain family members because we fear they will get hurt or not like us etc.
I’m actually quite shy - hence the cartoon caricature of me in my “About Me” section on my blog. I can’t imagine putting an actual picture of myself up. I would feel too exposed.
I think in public, I’m pretty easy to get to know. I don’t try to frame myself to fit the person I’m talking to. I just am “me.”
I used to think that I was easy to get to know. I’m not sure any more.
I think I’m timid at first, and when I feel comfortable…POW…here I am.
I am not as forthcoming as I used to be…for many reasons. But I think that is why blogging has been so important to me…it allows me to vent and get out what I can’t in real life…if that makes any sense at all.
I am fairly easy to know… except to the people that I work with. I don’t want them to know me. All of the people that I work with would fall down dead if they read my blog.
I loved your description! There are very few people who know the “real” me! I am very social when I have to be and even like it sometimes - but while there are many people that think they “know” me - I don’t really let that many people get that close. I happen to like it that way too! I know and like who I am after many years spent searching in my youth.
Thanks for the great post and thanks to “Deb” for inspiring it!
I’m actually quite shy - hence the cartoon caricature of me in my “About Me” section on my blog. I can’t imagine putting an actual picture of myself up. I would feel too exposed.
I think in public, I’m pretty easy to get to know. I don’t try to frame myself to fit the person I’m talking to. I just am “me.”