Twas Brillig

I recently met a woman who had some kind of magical powers, I swear.  Her name is Deb.  Upon meeting her, she instantly put me at ease.  I was so comfortable with her, I found myself opening up, being my “real” self, and feeling that I knew her real self too.  Others who have met Deb have said the very same thing about her.

There’s nothing flashy about her.  She’s not beautiful, but not ugly.  She’s just… well… unremarkable.  Physically, anyway.  But she’s honest, she’s real.  Instantly, all pretenses are off, and real communication begins.  I got the feeling that I was seeing what everyone else– including those who know her best– sees.

Brian and I have been talking about Deb ever since.  As Brian says, she’s just very easy to get to know, and impossible to dislike.

So I asked Brian if I was easy to get to know.  I know I’m not, but I wanted to know what he had to say.  His answer was so interesting.  He said that when he first met me, I was incredibly sure of myself.  I said what was on my mind, I didn’t get giggly or too-smiley or any of those other things that I do when I’m uncomfortable or… hiding.

He told me that there were only a few exceptions to this.  I was just me.  Take me as I am.  But then, the exceptions became more the “norm” and I began hiding my real self, when meeting strangers (or even with acquaintances).  I began putting on a face.  The face was pleasant, but not real.  It wasn’t me.

As I thought about what he was saying, I had to agree.  I think there is a very small handful of people who know me (in person) nowadays.  I think the hiding game that I play is caused by a number of things.  Sometimes I’m terribly intimidated.  Sometimes I don’t particularly like the person I’m talking to, or maybe I don’t trust them.  Sometimes I’m trying too hard, and therefore losing myself in the process.

Am I harder to get to know now because I’m not comfortable with myself?  Maybe I don’t actually know who I am anymore?  I mean, around my kids, I’m mom.  But around other adults— who am I?
I don’t know why this chance meeting with Deb has stuck with me so much.  She was just so comfortable and easy to be around and I admire her so much for that.  But, I wonder… if I try to emulate that and do it just how she did it, then am I really being me?  Or am I just trying to be Deb?

I guess that’s one more reason to adore the bloggy world.  Here I can say what I want, how I want.  I can take off that mask and remember that maybe there is a real person somewhere deep inside of me.  And some of the friendships I’ve made, built upon the bloggy foundation, are the ones that I feel I can be myself in.

How about you?  Are you hard to get to know?  Do you walk away from conversations and hardly recognize the person you just came across as?  Are you fake with some people, and your real self with others?  It’s all so fascinating to me right now.  I’d love to hear your take on it…