Nov 12 2007
It Ain’t None of Your Business
(PLEASE tell me the song from of the same title by Missing Persons from the early 80’s punk era is going through your mind now. Please! If I could find a sound or video clip, I’d TOTALLY have it playing right now.)
I guess my question was, when does it become my business?
So, you remember our little crisis last night? Well, everything’s fine. Okay, “fine” is relative. She’s fine, in that she is not injured, dead, or missing.
But, besides that, she’s so. not. fine. I wish I could tell you more, but I really can’t—I don’t know more, because apparently, it ain’t none of my business.
I guess I was just wondering, at what point does it become my business? I would think that around the time there’s someone sitting on my doorstep, freaking out, and begging for my help, it becomes my business. Or, when I begin pounding down doors, jumping over fences and, finally, coordinating the search party, perhaps then it becomes my business.
Aahhhh, no.
After we passed off the mystery onto other people—her family, friends, church leaders—we slipped away quietly, allowing them to do what they needed to do. Time went by, and Hubby and I waited, wondering if they’d call us, if we should call them, or what? But we were just dying to know if there was an ending to the story. We hesitated, because was it really any of our business? WHY did we want to know the ending—because we were curious? Concerned? Anyway, Hubby made the call, and was informed that she had been found. At home. In the dark. On the phone. Going through some kind of crisis, the details of which we “didn’t even want to know.” Which is just a polite way of saying “you don’t NEED to know.”
True. We didn’t, technically. But hadn’t we earned the right to know what really happened? We hadn’t asked to be involved—involvement was thrust upon us. And it only seemed fair to have the whole story given to us.
But as the hours have passed since all of this, I’ve analyzed myself a bit, and realized that my reasons for wanting to know are really because I’m curious, gossipy, and I love a good soap opera. All I needed to know is that she’s not hurt, and she’s not missing.
And the people that I resented this morning are now the very people that I would turn to and trust, should my own “time of crisis” arise. How wonderful that her story wasn’t gossiped all over the neighborhood! How wonderful that she can recover from whatever this thing is that’s plaguing her, and she can move on with her life without wondering what I think of her!
And so, it’s just done. And I won’t press it now, and I have the utmost respect for those who want to protect her privacy. Because, really, it ain’t none of my business!
Glad to hear that she wasn’t physically hurt. Having been involved with friends that went through mental breakdowns (and it sounds like maybe this was more of that variety of problem), it sounds like her peeps did a good job in not discussing it. And I applaud you for working through your feelings–it is hard to not be let in on the juicy details after having been brought in to search for her. Let’s hope this is the end of the story!
[…] Citizens Utility Board Blog wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerpt…and I waited, wondering if they’d call us, if we should call them, or … All I needed to know is that she’s not hurt, and she’s not… […]
You are a better woman than I…curiosity kills me as it did the infamous cat.
But if you knew you’d tell ME right?
Just kidding. I agree with you. Well done Brilly-pooh
Good for her loved ones…good for you for helping
I would have a very hard time not knowing the ending…I’m very nosy. But I think in the end it was the right way to end. I guess if she’s having a very personal problem then it really is no ones business. Good for you for helping out someone in need. I wouldn’t have had the first idea of what to do.
My heart still goes out to her–something isn’t right.
You make a good point about the curiosity thing.
You’re a braver person than I and thank goodness for being nosey as this is what often solves a number of situations. Glad she’s okay because something must have rattled her to make her behave like that.
But the million dollar question is - would you tell us if you ever find out?
Yeah. You’re right of course. But I still wanna know.
There was an elderly lady who lived next door to me in an apartment complex years ago. I would help her from time to time when she didn’t remember how to turn the TV on or off, or turn her back to her apartment when she took to wondering in her pajama top and knee hi nylons. But the night that I heard her at 3:00am calling “help! help me!!” I called 911. I actually said “I think she may have fallen and can’t get up!”
When the police got there they shooed me back into my apartment and wouldn’t tell me what happened. I WAS concerned. She turned out to be okay but at that point it would have been nice to just have been told - considering the fact that I was the one who called! So I didn’t even get a “she’s fine” from them. Sigh-h. Not too long after that I had to call management and let them know that it wasn’t safe for this lady to be on her own. Her son or his wife would bring her food once a day and check on her, but they had unplugged her oven, they knew she wasn’t safe. Last I heard she was just fine in a retirement community where she was surrounded by people and well taken care of. I just have to wonder how long she would have been living alone like that if I hadn’t called.
Want your blog back? sorry.
that thing about being in positions of leadership and not being able to share this kind of information, evne with those that you WANT to share it with? i would imagine that it’s an even bigger burden than we imagine it to be.
i’d completely be with you, though–in both my curiosity, initial resentment, and then complete trust.
isn’t the church amazing? isn’t it amazing that regular people, people just like us who are trying to do the best that they can, can be truly and utterly trustworthy?
Heavenly Father is just so cool.
Oh darlin’, I know how hard it can be not knowing. We are all by nature “curious cats”. But you have done your part by helping as best you can and you are probably better off not knowing because then you would be caring and worrying more than you probably have time and energy for!
As I am in the middle of an on-going crisis myself I have wondered whether or not to write about more in “real time”. After much struggle and many draft posts, I have decided not to. While I know that I have blog-friends that would listen and help and sympathize, there is so little they can do that it would only worry them. And quite frankly I am doing enough of that so no one else needs to be bothered by it!
Anyway, what I am trying to say is that if you knew, it would not likely bring you any peace as there would be so many other questions and things to think/worry about. So you really are better off and the best that can happen is that you eventually get to hear the “happy ending”.
At least I hope that’s how it turns out. BTW, in case anyone forgot to say it, “Thank You!”. You (and hubby) acted as a good neighbor and concerned citizen, and did not turn away a stranger. You helped. Even if you couldn’t fix it all yourself, you did play a part and that deserves some acknowledgment, even if it doesn’t come from the parties involved.
On a completely different note, I have tagged you on my post today. You can ignore it, of course, as I know some memes can be a real pain!. Or you can use me as an excuse for a post when you have run out of inspiration in this NaMoBLowPoGoShow game you got yourself into!
Wow you certainly went through some great mental excercise. If I were on your spot, I’d probably still be stuck in resentment and holding a grudge for being kept out of the loop after all that effert I would have done to search for her.
Well you are great neighbours for helping out, for being glad that she is safe, for accepting that it is not of your business and for being gratefull that no gossip is being spread !
And I must say I am glad that she is found physically safe. I hope all her other problems, whatever they are, will get solved as well.
I’m glad she was found and that she was okay.
Okay, I respect that. (But not really.)
How frustrating but also…what a great lesson we all should learn from! What if you were on the other end and had untold stories that couldn’t be explained in one breath about WHY you were unfound for those hours?
I think you are handling this well and I admire you for working hard not to be too nosy. Thing is, you’ll probably hear the truth eventually.
I thank you for caring. You didn’t have to. You didn’t have to answer the door. You did and I am glad. Gee, what would it be like if we all cared about our fellow man? woman? neighbor?
Thank you for the update on her. I was riveted by your account. Your search into yourself is admirable. I don’t know that I would have come to that conclusion were I in your shoes. That woman and her family should be very grateful that her friend ended up on your doorstep.
What an incredible opportunity for deep introspection. I think my feelings would have started very similar to your own…but I’m not sure I would’ve reached the same altruistic conclusion. Kudos.
Good for you,you’re so right…but seriously I’d still want to know.
As I started to read your post, I also felt miffed that you weren’t informed about the final outcome of everything! I agree - it was thrust upon you, you were involved from the beginning and you should have a right to know exactly what happened! I mean, what are you supposed to do when another stranger knocks on your door in a panic wondering where this woman is again? Shouldn’t you have a ‘heads up’ so you know what to do next time?
Ahhh…
Then I continued on and finished your post. How noble you are to see that side of it and after you voiced it, I felt that way, too. I thought, of COURSE they aren’t going to inform people about her personal crisis. She will feel such relief knowing that the neighborhood isn’t whispering about her! Snaps to you for taking the high road, this is why I love you.
I was a counsellor for years–and all that was told to me could not be communicated, even to those “close” to the person, who thought if they knew, they could help.
It’s a tough call sometimes. But trust is an odd thing. Trust is as strong as steel when it’s in place. But once it’s been broken, it’s fragile and very difficult to mend.
It’s good that you didn’t press. And if a time comes when those people feel they want to share, the fact you didn’t push, will make it more likely they will feel safe in confiding in you then.
You DONE GOOD, on all points. I salute you!
Sorry to hear about your neighbor. Hope things go better for her.
I enjoy reading your blog.
You’ve been tagged! Please Check out my blog for the rules.
my lesson in life tells me that ‘beware, who you befriend and who you choose to hate’….
cos’ ironically, the people that you least expect to help, often turns out to be your ’saviour’ in times when you are catching your last breath.
Great Job, girl!
I am glad she is ok..but yeah the curiosity would probably have driven me insane…lmao.
Wow, I was away, and this had kept me wondering the whole time…I’m glad she is fine.
And I admire you for your courage not to press matters further…I only risk involvement if I know I’m needed, not necessarily wanted…so you did a good job.
She is fine, it ends there…next time if ever she needs help, well, you can still be there (or another helpful neighbor) to make sure she gets fine…then it will end there again…
Like a lot of the others, I would want to know the rest of the story. But at least you know she is ok. You did your part & that good will come back to you.
Jan
The main thing is she’s ok and you tried to help. I’d have felt exactly the same as you, and would probably have gone thought the same thought processes. You did all the right things and I’m sure she’s grateful.
You and Brian did everything right and so did her family and friends. It is so hard not to know how it ended, or why it happened, but in this day and age we have got to respect privacy.
Well, I had to click your link to find out what you were talking about, so I am with you on the curiosity thing. It would be killing me!! But it sounds like you were a very good neighbor and friend. That’s about all you can do.
~ Your last post had me very scared. I’m glad to know she is okay, but even I am nosy enough to want to know what the outcome was.
~ You are right, that she has a good support community that they didn’t gossip about her.
BUT! I don’t know if it is necessarily as bad as “gossip.” Especially if you know her pretty well. I think it’s very human to want to know about people’s lives.
This post reminded me of something: One day, I was sitting at a stoplight RIGHT outside my old house when there was a car accident in front of me. When nobody else got out of their cars, I decided to go check on the people. One of the vehicles was a foreign lady whose two kids had been riding in the back of her car without seatbelts. By the time I got her calmed down enough to understand that her son was stuck under the seat (his head was stuck, he was unresponsive), a crowd had gathered around and some people had decided that the solution was to pull him out of the car. I stopped them, because it was pretty obvious that he could have a spinal injury and help was on the way. But I think about that boy a lot to this day. I want to know what happened to him, along with a thousand other questions. But I would totally be satisfied with just knowing if he was okay. Just that little bit would help me get over that vision that I see so often. So…you’re right. That’s all we really need. Whether or not we ‘deserve’ to hear more isn’t the issue - just what we need to know.
In my work I almost never get to hear the end of the story. if it were a friend, it would be hard not to want to know, but I agree. Knowing she’s safe is enough. Just being a friend is all she needs now. If she wants you to know, she will tell you.
I really wish that they did tell you because I know that you would blog a bout it. When I read the post you wrote the day before, I totally thought that I’d soon be reading about whatever happened in People magazine. Please be sure to let us know what happened, if they ever decide to let the cat out of the bag.