Oct 29 2007
Those Heartless Thomases
About a million years ago, back when Brian and I were first dating, he and I went on a double date with my sister Amy and her husband Rob. We went to a movie—something sad and sappy. Amy and I watched the movie, enjoying it, and didn’t really realize (because it was such a common occurrence) that everyone in the audience was crying but us. When the lights came up, both Brian and Rob had red eyes and tear-soaked cheeks. Rob stared at me and Amy with our clear eyes and dry faces and yelled out, his voice still rough with emotion, “YOU HEARTLESS THOMAS WOMEN!!!”
Amy and I stood there, confused. And then… we busted up laughing. Because we realized that he was right! This “show no emotion” thing is a Thomas family trait!
Over the years, we’ve all laughed about this many times.
I’m certain that it’s not that we feel things less deeply than others feel them. We don’t weep. We don’t call each other. We don’t blubber. But we mourn, we stress, we anguish. I FEEL sad movies, but I don’t cry during them. I just don’t.
Both of my older brothers married weepers. I know that for my oldest brother, at least, it was quite a shock. It seemed to him like his young wife was crying all the time, and he had no idea how to deal with it. (This was many years ago—I’m sure that over the years he’s begun to figure it out…)
My husband, however, has occasionally had a tricky time dealing with my calm-headed coolness. He’s never called me “hard-hearted,” nor has he ever called me an ice queen, as others were prone to. But I’m sure that there are times when he wonders what is wrong with me and why his eyes are wet and mine are fine.
There are exceptions to this, of course. When I’m pregnant (and when you take into account that I’ve been pregnant 7 times in the last 6 years, you see that that’s quite a lot) I can be a big fat bawl-baby. Or when I’ve just had a baby. And occasionally during that special time of month, I’m more prone. Still, even then, my emotions are quite mild in comparison to most of the women (and some of the men) I know.
Another exception to my cry-less-ness is when one of my children is suffering or struggling.
This last weekend, we learned that Fuzzles will need surgery, but it’s a simple operation and we should see immediate results. This is good news—better news than what we’d dared to hope for.
Out of duty, I emailed my siblings to let them know what was going on. For some of my siblings, this was the first contact I’d had with them since our ill-fated family reunion last December. I only wrote because people get mad at me if something’s going on and I don’t tell them about it. Just because they feel that they were left out of the loop—not because they actually care. I didn’t expect any response. I’ve never really gotten the feeling that most of them cared at all about me or my kids.
I sent the same email to a few friends. Every one of my friends wrote back, offering love, prayers, support, and encouragement. From my siblings? Silence.
At first I found their silence humorous. Hahaha. My crazy family, I thought. My crazy, heartless, immovable family.
But soon, their silence wasn’t funny anymore. Where in the crap were they? Shouldn’t they at least acknowledge the existence of my email? Shouldn’t they pretend, even if just for one brief moment, that they care? Pretend to care about my stress and my concerns? Pretend to care that their baby nephew needs surgery? Even just pretend to care that it looks like he’s going to be fine?
Nope.
(However, both of my brothers’ wives DID write! Both sent very sweet letters.)
I found myself saying, “those heartless Thomases!!!”
When I realized what I was saying, I started laughing, and remembered that others see me the same way, and it’s not true, nor is it fair. I decided to get up and walk away from the computer. They would reach out to me in their way. They aren’t heartless.
This evening, I received an email from one of my brothers, along with an email from the sister I least expected to hear from. Both were extremely brief—one-sentence long. But it was an announcement that they DID get my email, they WOULD pray for us, and they WERE thinking of us.
It made me think that the other three of my siblings and their families were also aware of us, praying for us, loving us.
Because, see, they’re not heartless. They still love, they still feel, they’re just not as obvious about it as others are. And that’s okay!
Tonight as I close my eyes and go to sleep, I’ll pause for a few minutes to feel their love—I’m completely confident that I’ll find it there.
What an awesome blessing for you to get that shift of perspective that allowed you to feel loved instead of hurt. ~hugs~
HAHAHA. Your family is one of my favorites. They are so oddly unique and so amazing!
Good luck to you and Fuzzles tomorrow. I just know everything will go smoothly!
Kisses!
I wish you the best, and hope Fuzzles is ok.
I’ll keep Fuzzles in my thoughts. Speedy surgery, speedy recovery, and as little heartache for Mum and Dad as possible.
I’ll send good thoughts your way for the surgery. Your post made me think of my daughter who I noticed hardly ever laughed when watching a comedy on TV. I knew she thought it was funny, so I asked her why. She said she was laughing inside.
Well, I suppose it’s good that you know them and that you can interpret their silence correctly.
Hope all will be fine with Fuzzles though. Take care
Dear brill, will be thinking of you tomorrow and little Mr Fuzzles.
Hope all is well and that you all make a speedy recovery.
Big hugs
x
Isn’t it interesting how we can see family dynamics differently once we’re “removed” from the situation? I’m glad you were able to know that they love and are praying for you.
And I too will be praying for the little Fuzzles and ya’ll. May the surgery be successful and the recovery swift.
People (more so families) are strange - and I mean that in the nicest possible way.
Glad you’re feeling love and not hurt. Where would that get you anyway? I think I need to buy into that particular perspective at times.
Glad you’re getting a positive prognosis for Fuzzles - YAY! Once the hurdle of surgery is over, here’s hoping for a speedy recovery (for you, and him!)
I am a “weeper”.
There are times when I wish I was more in control of my emotions that I am…but sometimes a GOOD CRY is the best feeling.
I will be keeping my thoughts on you and Fuzzles for a successful surgery and quick recovery.
I can so relate to this! My family is the exact same way. Very stoic, very non-demonstrative. We hardly ever call each other and when we do, it’s brief and to the point. The only exception was after I got dumped by my first husband - lots of crying them, which seemed to sort of break the dam - much more crying since then, but still pretty “heartless” compared to the rest of the world.
What can we say? We’re private, right?
Best wishes for your family and your son!
Praying for you and the fam (esp. le mignon Fuzzles) today.
Good luck with everything Brillig, I hope it’s quick and painless for everyone involved!
Prayers for you and fuzzles. I hope all goes well. And I eho Kim’s sentiments. Glad you were able to turn it around!
Wow. Super generous heart you have. Remember that.
Good luck with the surgery. Been there done that!
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Many thoughts are with you…I hope everything turns out well. You would be surprised how quickly little ones can recover from surgery. Sometimes they can be pretty energetic the same day.
Uh…could you stop living my life and writing my experiences here please? Not that it’s a word for word copy or anything, but I could certainly say that same thing about my strange and distant family. But I love the way you concluded this. I need to ponder that too… it is there for me, that love. I just have to allow it to manifest itself in THEIR way, not my own. So well said Brillig. And so deeply felt. my thanks.
Holding fists for you all day.
So sorry to hear about Fuzzles! I have a real soft spot for kiddos needing surgery - my little girl has had 23 so far and it never gets easier. I will be thinking of you lots and keeping you and your little one in my prayers for a quick recovery.
Nice ode to tear ducts. Now, who was and who wasn’t `ducts’ of their class?
Nice story. And good luck with the surgery. My little one had surgery when she was one and though, like Fuzzie’s, it was technically minor, as parents it’s still very difficult.
Fingers crossed.
That was an engrossing post Brillig, so many highs and lows on our emotions. I’m an unashamed blubber and still haven’t seen the end of Carousel because it’s just too heavy for me, I actually start to bawl and deafen the soundtrack.
It’s a good ending to your post, the fact that you realise how hard it is for your siblings to express their empathy for your situation yet your heart is big enough to empathise with them speaks volumes. You’ll always find the strength to cope because you have a beautiful warmth that touches everyone.
I can so relate. Both Nature Boy and I are completely heartless. (And, ironically, his last name is Thomas!) Together we are the most unemotional couple that ever was and my mother-in-law makes fun of us for it.
However, I am not so heartless as to not send warm thoughts for Fuzzles. I hope she comes out okay and things can get back to normal for you all!
First of all, you are such a good writer. It’s apparent to me in the short time that I’ve “known” you that you aren’t heartless.
hile I can’t relate to not being a crier, I wear my emotions on my sleeve, I try to understand that not everyone is like me and that is okay. I think it’s amazing that you were able to find love instead of hurt. Very insightful.
My DH’s family is the same way. It’s just their way. I’m from NYC, everyone screams and pulls their hair out… just different. It took me a long time to realize that DH’s family just are as they are, and what would mean egregious crimes and lack of love in my family, is just communication in theirs. And we all make the world go round. And I’m praying for Fuzzles, too. I hope all is well with him.
I have found myself to get a strange calm when it is needed but not necessarily normal. But I tend to cry a lot. I cry when I’m sad, but also when I’m frustrated, angry or just fed up. It’s a good release sometimes.
I think that I get along with my family much better now that I’m older and try to see things from their point of view.
I know I’m late on this, but I hope the surgury goes well (although it’s probably already happened).
I’m curious to know– what movie was it that you guys watched?
Thanks for sharing