Sep 08 2007
We Put the Fun in Funeral, pt 2
Part one is here.
So I went home that night, feeling pretty darn good about this psychotic family of my mother’s. I had met some amazing people, and re-met some other amazing people. As I said, my mother’s siblings were on their best behavior. My Uncle John and his wife Kris were warm and friendly and just wonderful. My Aunt Barbie and her husband, who I had never met until that night, were smart, funny, and lovely. And my Aunt Nancy, who was by far the one I was most terrified of and who I had seen at her worst on more than one occasion was… well… pleasant–and avoiding me.
The next day was the funeral. I would be speaking–reading a beautiful letter from my beautiful mother. My mother has a way with words, along with a way with love, and her letter had the room in tears. Not because we mourned my grandma, but because we loved her and we celebrated her. The other speakers did a beautiful job as well. And my new-found cousins/friends sang an outstanding duet. My grandma had been a brilliant musician–an exceptional organist/pianist, which paid the bills when her husband was so miserable and drunk that he couldn’t bring in a paycheck. Because of this, her children were also raised as exceptional musicians. And we, her grandchildren, had also been raised that way by our parents. It was incredible to see these two women who I’d never met before sing a duet that I would have chosen, sing it in a style I would have chosen, and with the feeling and emphasis that I would have chosen.
We all fell from the same tree.
Everything would have been perfect, if it hadn’t been for that one little moment right before the funeral began…
Just before the funeral, we held a family prayer just before my grandma’s casket was sealed. Many Mormons ask in advance to be buried in sacred clothing used in the Temple. Just before the casket is closed, the final touches to the clothing are put on. This must be done by Temple-attending women, generally immediate family. Aunt Kris and Aunt Nancy and I were the only women who fit that bill, and so Aunt Kris (who had made all the funeral arrangements and was therefore somewhat in charge of this whole thing) invited me to represent my mother (who would have fit the bill, had she been there) and help put the final touches on the clothing, alongside her and Nancy. I’m not sure if Nancy knew that I’d been invited, but she was CERTAINLY not pleased to see me as I approached. As I reached for my grandma and began to help, she shoved–SHOVED me out of the way.
I was flabbergasted. This is considered a very sacred moment, and anyone with authority to handle this clothing, as we were, would know how very sacred this moment is. And here she was, being stupid and petty and angry, and ruining the spirit that should have been there.
(And plus… um… who pushes a gigantically pregnant woman? At a funeral? This was so messed up on so many levels.)
I suppose I could have fought for my right to assist. I suppose I could have screamed at her. I suppose I could have shoved back. But I didn’t. Sigh. No, I wouldn’t make a scene. I took a step back and simply watched–looking like a complete idiot. My brother and sister, who were with me, watching from where the rest of the group was standing, hadn’t seen the shove. They didn’t know what I was doing up there, just standing still and watching. I suppose much of the room wondered the same thing. Oh well.
After the funeral, there was a luncheon, and then a gathering at Kris and John’s farm which was nearby. I laughed and chatted and enjoyed everyone’s company. Overall, the experience had been a positive one. A happy one. And I had some amazing new people in my life that I would cherish forever.
Nancy made herself scarce after the funeral. She could have had a happy, healing experience, as all of the rest of us did. Instead, she reverted to anger, bitterness, pain. I wasn’t mad at her–I felt sorry for her. It can’t be easy to live your life that way.
When I delivered this report to my mother, it made her very sad. She assured me that Nancy’s actions had not really been aimed at me but at her. I suspect that this was true, but that certainly doesn’t make it better–possibly it makes it worse.
I wonder if, looking back, Nancy was embarrassed, ashamed. I wonder if she realized in that moment that she needed help. I wonder if it was a turning point in her life. I doubt it, but I still hope. I pray that she doesn’t spend the rest of her life holding on to all this unhappiness.
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For those of you playing along at home (find out how here–it’s open to anyone), here’s a Mr. Linky. A few rules: only enter your link AFTER your Soap Opera Sunday is up and make sure it links back to both me and Kate. Also, it would make things easier for people if you enter your entire permalink (the link to the actual SOS post, not just your site in general). Thanks! Can’t wait to read what y’all got for us this week!
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Phew! I made it first. FINALLY! Of course my story isn’t up yet but it will be. OOOH yes, it will.
I seriously have to get my sh*t together and participate soon. Sounds like fun!
So… I put my last week’s one up again since there was linky link confusion. Which saves me figuring out who to purge next… (actually, I think I already know, and will be strolling back to high school next weekend.
Yippee.
This is my favorite part of the week. (That just might be rather pathetic, actually. It hasn’t been a good week.)
So, my part two IS up, even though it’s still Saturday…
Happy SOS!
I sure will see what goes on here, it is sounding good so far. I might write a chapter (& offer it) in October, we will be MIA until the end of September.
I’ve had 49 hits today so far, people searching for the group, ‘Poison.’ That’s how I caught your comment there on September 4.
Thanks.
Ooooooh we got all fancy now didn’t we? No more casual emails with pleasant greetings.
So does that mean a button is coming shortly? Because you know I love buttons….
SMID I am still working on a button. My talent is still ill. Maybe I need to find new talent . . .
Oh see NOW I remember. And yes, that’s SO MESSED UP. People are weird and mean.
I feel sad for you Aunt Nancy. It must be very difficult to carry so much around around that you would shove a pregnant family member.
Good on you for not making a scene though. I got right irritable at the end of my pregnancy and may not have been as well behaved as you had I been in your shoes.
erm. that should have said “so much anger around” not so much around around.
Although that would be difficult too.
And another great SOS! Mine’s up, not so maulin this time (whew!). But nonetheless I think it qualifies as an SOS!! Have a great week!
That’s maudlin, not maulin. Fingers not working, though spellcheck is…
While a very sad story, you handled it with dignity and grace.
It is also nice to know now that not all SOS have to involve a romantic interest….
That’s way out of control. Shoving a very pregnant woman during a sacred moment - wow!
Nancy puts the “neurotic” in funeral. That is indeed a sad woman. Although I think it’s strange that no one saw a hugely pregnant woman get shoved out of the way. You must have recovered very gracefully!
I think the way your mother handled it was the smartest. Say goodbye while people are still alive. And when they are being put in the ground, be away on a cruise. Far too much focus is put on that ritual. To me, it’s too late to honor them there. Although it is a good time for the living to find and/or restore bonds. Also, a good time to get those shoves in that you would otherwise have no opportunity for!
Good story, as usual.
Wow what a story…my family put the “dis” in disfunctional yet they never shoved me when I was preggers… Thanks for sharing.
Brillig, this is so brilliantly written. You really should submit it somewhere. I, too, feel for your Aunt Nancy, and you’re right - it can’t be easy to live life the way she’s chosen to.
I’m glad the experience was healing for you on other levels.
This is just a wonderful, touching story. Thank you for sharing it with us.
how are you and aunt nancy now,
i wonder.
You did so well to keep you cool while she was so obviously losing hers.
I have to join in here soon.
I’m so disorganised.
You’re tagged by the way sweetie. Come and play if you get chance.
An amazing story, Brillig! I’m sorry your aunt couldn’t have shown the same character and desire to honor your grandmother that you did. What a shame.
Wow. Seriously thought-provoking, isn’t it? I think it’s really healthy when we feel sympathy instead of anger. Makes more sense, really.
Sorry I’m so far behind on SOS. I’ll catch up, I promise!
Oh poo poo on funeral drama,
pass the funeral potatoes, ooh! And hit me with some of that Jell-O salad, no, not the one with the marshmallows, the one with the carrots, yeah, oh baby, that’s right.
Mormon funeral food, the balm that cures all woes.
Need input at the Cathouse! Everyone go over!
She shoved a pregnant woman?! That’s terrible. It’s particularly bad that it happened during a sacred time. I do think your mom is right. I don’t think it had anything to do with you. It sounds like you handled it wonderfully.
What a scene. I felt sorry for her…
Amazing story. Pity for her and kudos for you for handling it with grace.
I’ve been trying to think of SOS posts that are not romantic. I’ll keep thinking.
I’m always amazed at what families are capable of at a funeral. And shoving a pregnant woman? What the hell? Oh, well… I have an aunt just like that. Strange, no?
And now I’m slapping myself because I totall forgot yesterday was Sunday! I’m so embarassed…
Seriously?? Many bad words are floating through my head right now…You acted with class though. And how lucky to have such a wonderful and wise mother.
It sounds just so typical of every family gathering. And there’s nothing like being reminded that life goes on…..and so do all the nasty feelings as well as all the loving ones.
What a sad, pathetic woman . . .
Wow, you are a better woman than I because really I’d have been furious. Sure she really deserves pity because she’s a miserable woman …but sometimes I’m just immature like that.
Good for you for taking the higher road!
I also find it incredibly sad when people are so miserable with themselves that they feel it necessary to lash out at others.
If my theory that all ugliness is born of pain is true, she must have been in some serious agony. UnbelIEEEEVable.
Great story, brilliantly told, as always. I’m hoping to get my SOS act together this week, before everyone forgets who Twee even was….
That last paragraph…I hope so, too!