Sep 01 2007
We Put the “fun” in Funeral (SOS, part one)
Soap Opera Sunday!
Almost exactly a year ago, I found myself at a funeral with the most bizarre group of people you’ll ever meet–my family.
Well, my mom’s family, to be a little more precise. I guess that makes them mine. But, sadly, this was the first time I met many of these people. My mother’s mother’s death brought us all together, so to speak.
I was eight months pregnant. I’d left my hubby and three kids behind in Utah while I flew with two of my siblings, J and Laura, to Ohio. I had a letter from a midwife (not MY midwife, but a midwife nonetheless) stating that I was safe to fly. She lied about my due date–sorta. What she said was true–my baby wasn’t expected until the first week of October, because all of my babies had been born well after their due dates. But technically, I was due in the middle of September. No airline would have allowed me to fly if they’d known the truth. But it was important to me that I be there. I was representing my mom.
My mother chose not to attend this funeral. She was on a luxury cruise in Europe when she received word of her mother’s death. She had already said her goodbyes, knowing that the end was near, so she felt no need to attend the funeral ritual. Still, her siblings resented her for her decision not to come home, and they brought it up over and over again.
My mother grew up in a home where her father was an alcoholic. I don’t mean he drank from time to time, I mean he was a drunkard. Mean, ruthless, out of control. My mom’s mother was also unstable–perhaps equally so–her conception had been an accident and she’d been told by her family every day of her life that she wasn’t wanted. She was emotionally unwell and being married to that man didn’t make it better.
My mother was the oldest of their four children. As many oldest children, but especially children from dysfunctional families, she became the mother hen. She cared for everyone, including her parents. She saw that everyone ate, that everyone went to bed, that everyone woke up in the morning. And, understandably, she became bossy and controlling.
Her childhood was filled with such chaos that she spent much of her life being perfectionistic and demanding–controlling what she COULD control, because her life had been so out of control. But the very people she’d intended to help became very frustrated with her. They couldn’t stand her anymore.
They all grew up, they all went their separate ways. My mom’s anger and confusion and all the other residual anguish from her childhood came to a head and she sought help. She was brilliant, driven, accomplished, but she NEEDED HELP. And she received it. She made great efforts to turn her life around. She overcame most of her anger issues, and she mostly stopped trying to control everyone. She found peace and happiness and she led a beautiful life.
But much of the damage had already been done. And her siblings, who also needed help desperately for their anger and pain, never sought it. They never changed. And they resented her happiness and the life she created for herself.
So I, in my insanely huge pregnantness, and my sister gripped each other’s hands as we made our way towards the funeral home for the viewing, wary of the welcome we might receive. (And wary of what these people might say about my mother. We were NOT going to allow anyone to slander her.)
It was bizarre to walk in that night and look around and see the reception line–the family. Some we knew a little bit, some we recognized, others we’d never seen before. And yet, we all looked alike. We were clearly family, though total strangers.
It was a pleasant evening. My grandma was beautiful in her casket. Her children gazed towards her lovingly. Everyone was on their best behavior.
I met two of my cousins for the first time–the daughters of one of my mother’s sisters. These cousins of mine were incredible girls–full of life and energy and beauty. One was just older than me, the other just younger. After talking for a few minutes, one threw her arms around me and told me, through impending tears, “we should have been great friends!!” We held each other for a moment, not needing to say anymore. The great loss that we were mourning was not my grandma–no, she was old and had suffered a long and difficult life and had survived cancer four times before finally losing the battle on the fifth. We did not mourn the loss of her. We mourned the loss of each other. We mourned for the pettiness and selfishness and silliness of our progenitors, and for all that wasted time.
As I said, everyone was on their best behavior. Some even seemed like they weren’t faking it. One, the one I was most concerned about, avoided me. Her “best behavior” was to not speak to me. After all, if you can’t say something nice…
It wouldn’t be until the next day that she would choose to inform me just exactly what she thought about me, in a most inappropriate moment…
(to be continued…)
——————-
And now, won’t you join us? (For information on how to play along, look here.) If you’re playing Soap Opera Sunday, enter your Soap Opera’s link here:
1. Dedee  2. Thalia’s Child  3. MommasWorld 4. Goofball 5. Jen at a2eatwrite |
6. nell@meanwhile… 7. Kateastrophe 8. anno 9. Fourier.Analyst 10. Minivan Diva |
11. Thalia’s Child 12. VirtualSprite |
I AM playing today; my post won’t be up until late tonight, though. I’ll come back and post a Mr. Linky when I get it done.
I’m up and excited to read and read and read!
I’m up and am going to read tomorrow - saving it for Sunday!
I will be back tomorrow for the linky love once I post my SOS installment. Just wanted you to know that I linked you on my site tonight and gave you an award. You might have it already…but wanted you to know I gave you a shout out incase someone new comes saying I sent them cause I did..lol….will be back tomorrow for SOS.
Took me long enough I know, but I’m here now! Yay! Can’t wait for tomorrow.
Dude I feel like I’m late to my own party!! I am so late linking here!!
Also, i’m on the edge of my seat for next week because I have no recollection of what she said! ACK!
ooh….can’t wait for the next installment dear. I love this soap opera Sunday thing, I just wish I could think of something funny and clever to write to join in. Every time I try to think of anything my mind goes blank, Oh well, I shall enjoy everyone else’s none the less.
Brillig, I really like your story today! Family is so important and yet all families struggle with there own difficulties , minor or major). I am happy for your mom for getting her life back on track and for you for meeting some great unknown relatives.
…yet I am at the tip of my sofa here to hear what happens next week.
Families — the source of our most epic soap operas! Add me to the list of those dying (!) to hear the rest of this particular story…
I can’t wait for next week! Funerals can be interesting Soap Opera Sunday fodder.
My goodness, Brillig, you are one strong cookie. I hope your sisters appreciated you ;-). I’m glad you were able to do this, though. And you’re writing about it all very powerfully. Great SOS!
Oh NO NO NO No No no no… I can’t wait until next week. I know I started this “to be continued…” thing, but really!! Okay. I guess I deserve it. But seriously, you do know how to tell a good tale darlin’! Have a great week!! YAY SOS!!
Me, I love the cliffhanger SOS’s and can’t wait to hear all about the relation with the lousy timing next week.
And you in all your insanely huge pregnantness?
Hahahahahahahahaha! What a great line! It’s always great to meet people for the first time when you are *ahem* just a few pounds heavier than normal….
Ah, me.
Ya did good on this one, Brill. I really am looking forward to the continuation. BRING IT ON.
Oh, don’t leave me hanging!!
Wow. I totally understand the crazy family dynamic. I thought I was the only person who needs to brace oneself whilst entering a room full of “family members.”
I’m with MiniVanDiva… I come from an Irish-Catholic family of drunkards and petty people - but also a few wonderful ones. I can appreciate your strength going to this funeral.
Can’t wait to hear the rest!
(oh, finally got my post up today… talk about being late for the party!)
Brillig, that was a great post. Give me the name of the errant relative and I’ll send my hitman after them. Serioiusly cannot wait for Sunday!
Love this post and its honesty. Your mother’s experience is very similar to that of the central character in the novel I’m just finishing for Penguin. Hopefully it’s a bestseller like the first one was.
Thank you for the powerful message in this post.
Can’t wait to hear the rest of this story. I went to a funeral for a dear great aunt (truly great) and was confronted by her “real” family. Funny, don’t recall seeing them every Thanksgiving and Christmas for the past 20 years. Ah well, those nasty nieces got shafted in the end (great imagery here) when the dear aunt left them her house - and all of its 98 years of clutter. Ha Ha!
Nothing like a funeral to get all the long lost family member riled up- I just did that. Can’t wait for the next chapter!
I can’t believe you’re leaving us hanging like that! You soap opera reminded me A LOT of my extended family.
What a poignant post!
I think it’s very easy sometimes to focus on the tragic circumstances of an individual and forget that anger and abusive behavior often gets passed down from generation to generation. Thank God your mother had the strength to break the cycle and get the help she needed!
I’m looking forward to the next installment!
Ooh! I hate a cliffhanger!
Would like some more details on this…may join in, or is it too late?
Thanks
Denise
What an amazingly poignant story Brilig.
Can’t wait to hear the next bit sweetie.
Can’t wait to hear the rest of this. What is about about people and doing incredibly tacky things during a funeral ?
I know this is your blog so I shall not launch into the craziness that certain relatives sprung on me in the planning of my dad’s funeral…
Oh wow…so intense!
It’s amazing how some people are able to come out “okay” after being raised in such an environment. While others do not.
Gah! YOu can’t leave me hanging like that, Brillig!
This is a great beginning. I can’t wait for more!
And yes, LAME. I promised a SOS, then did not deliver. Ah, well. That’s why we have repentance.
I’m almost a month late reading this! I totally missed this post somehow and have been saving Part 2 until I could come back and read it!
I went with my mom to my grandpa’s funeral two Januarys ago and found a lot of family that I hadn’t met because of a rift that had been fixed when grandpa died. It’s sad, but it took him dying for me to know anything about him or that side of the family.