Jun 19 2007
Separate Beds
I can barely recall when I was very little and my parents actually shared a bed. It was a giant king size bed that we all loved to jump on.
But soon they went to separate beds. Twin beds, scooted right next to each other. That way, each could feel free to toss and turn without fearing waking up the other or having their blanket stolen.
My mother had her own room right next to mine–a study, where her computer and books and endless piles of professor-stuff all lived. At some point, a bed was put in there. And then, slowly but surely, her clothing and other personal items began to migrate there. Eventually she just began sleeping there full time.
I never worried that my parents had stopped liking each other or anything like that. Believe me, there was no mistaking their mutual adoration. But my dad liked to stay up late watching TV and sleep in in the morning while my mom liked to go to bed while the sun was still up and wake up long before the sun rose in the morning. Plus, Dad snored, and Mom had to pee twelve or thirteen times a night (okay, that’s possibly a slight exaggeration, but still…) so the separate bedrooms thing really worked for them.
I understood why they did that, but I thought, “man, when I’m married, I’ll want to snuggle next to my husband all night long. No WAY would I want separate beds, let alone separate bedrooms!”
When Hubby and I were first married, we went to an out-of-town family reunion and stayed in a hotel. Hubby’s sister and her husband, who’d been married for nearly ten years, were in the room next to us. Each room had two queen beds. Hubby and I put our luggage on one, and slept together in the other. So we were FLABBERGASTED to see that Hubby’s sis and her husband decided to each sleep in their own beds. Hubby made a comment, poking fun at them, and they both exclaimed over how wonderful it was to spread out and have their own beds!
Anyway, the years have gone by and I love Hubby even more than ever, but I also enjoy spreading out in a big bed all by myself. I certainly don’t sleep snuggled up next to Hubby when we’re in the same bed, the way I’d romanticized things as a teen. No–we each claim a side and once it’s time to sleep, no one crosses the imaginary line between us.
But this last week (as I have mentioned ad nauseum) I’ve been sick. I keep us both awake all night with my constant coughing and puking and tossing and turning. So I’ve sent him to the guest room so that he can get some semblance of sleep before he has to show up at work in the morning (he gets the guest room because he thinks the mattress in there is more comfortable, not because I’ve banished him there against his will or anything…)
And guess what? We’re enjoying it. LOVING it, in fact. I see, talk, play, and snuggle with him all I want to, but then at bedtime we go our separate ways. Right now, we’re just doing it because I’m sick. But once I’m better, will we go back to the old way? I don’t know! I really think that separate bedrooms means more freedom with my time (and my overhead light and TV remote) and we both get a better night’s sleep, and our relationship doesn’t suffer–in fact, it may even benefit from it.
So, Mom. Dad. Sorry I laughed at you. I get it now. I really do!
I enjoyed looking over your blog. The separate bedroom thing sounds interesting. Hope you feel better soon!
Hi brillig- As you know from reading my stuff, I’m madly in love with my husband after 14 years of marriage. We sleep separately often (he likes to crash out on the couch watching movies; I can’t sleep with the TV on), mostly because he runs marathons and gives speeches in his sleep, and ever since having babies made me hold onto my good night’s sleep with a vice, I’ve realized there’s nothing so strange about that. At least I’m not pissed off at him after keeping me up all night!
I miss my own bed. Terribly.
I’m sick too…hubby won’t leave. Our guest room is piled with boxes and not a bed to be had….I need to get motivated….
haha… oh yeah. I totally get the separate bedroom thing. As much as I love my hubby and love sleeping next to him when he isn’t stealing all the covers, flopping around like a fish out of water and snoring my ears sore, there are nights when it is just easier for one of us to sleep in the office/spare bedroom to preserve our marriage… you know like nights when MJ is teething and I desperately want those 20 minute intervals of sleep uninterrupted.
Hope you guys feel better soon.
~CableGirl aka Paige
Our bed sits in one frame but it is actualy 2 seperate mattresses. Kind of like the twin beds pushed together idea. Part of the year (the cold part) we sleep under one big fluffy down comforter together but during the warmer months we sleep under lighter blankets. Each to his own as it were.
We are considering splitting up the sleeping arrangements out of necessity as a certain 4-year old keeps sneaking in bed with us, and there just isn’t room for three. Usually what that means is that I am pushed into “the crack” between the 2 mattresses. It’s not the most conducive place for a good night’s sleep.
So, it’s off to the office for Don! Sorry, babe.
Absence (even if just for a night) makes the heart grow fonder.
Absolutely! I have always said the divorce rate would plummet if married couples had separate bathrooms. I mean really some things should remain a mystery. The separate bedroom thing, totally - same premise. Now you make sure your parents get to read this…
I do hope you feel better soon poor dear. I am sending you sunny thoughts.
I completely get it. When our second was an infant, hubs moved to the guest bedroom to give me more room to nurse in bed and so he could get some sleep. I got a lot more sleep too. My hubby is a bed hog & even now if I have an important court date or meeting or something, hubs will sleep in the guest bedroom so I won’t have to worry about not getting enough sleep.
Hahah. I love it. When we go visit Grandma, Matt and I have seperate beds and we sort of love it too! While I’m not sure we’ll ever go to seperate rooms or beds, once in a while it’s sooooo nice. I know Matt loves it when I’m out of town. I come home and he’s sprawled out in the middle of the bed, pretty much spread-eagle, touching both sides!
Anyway, I’m with you. Seperate beds are super duper.
Sleeeeeeeeep.(sobbing)Do not stray over the line. No Touchy.
Our king size bed is only a little smaller than the state of Rhode Island. Sometimes we’re spooned up, sometimes we’re at opposite ends.
I was awfully glad to have P in the same room with me last night; check my blog in a few hours for the reason why.
Scary!
I could get used to my own room. I’ve been sleeping out in the living room with the new baby, and I do find it a little lonely right when we go our two separate directions down the hall–but after that I like it.
I totally know what you mean! Ok, kind of. Cody and I don’t sleep in separate rooms, but we do have a king size bed and let me tell you what - I love that we have so much space. We each have a side that we pull to and there is about 12 feet of mattress between us. I too planned on cuddling with my husband every night, but sometimes? No can do. I need my own space. It also doesn’t help that he’s gone at night sometimes which means I get the whole bed to myself! This usually involves me using Cody’s pillow and sleeping right in the middle. It’s Heaven! So yeah, while a cuddle session can be dreamy, sometimes I’d prefer to sprawl out on my own..
I don’t know that I could do the separate beds/bedrooms thing. My grandparents had separate beds for many years and it was because my grandmother decided she was done “sleeping” with my grandfather (so she told my mom). So it leaves a yucky, sad taste in my mouth.
Not that there’s anything wrong with it. I will say that we have a king-sized bed and LOVE it. We don’t touch all night unless we feel like it.
Sometimes there will even be a visible line in the covers that shows where he slept, where I slept, and that we absolutely did not “come together” the night before.
:: giggling now at “come together” ::
hope you feel better!
hmmm, I don’t know. I guess I could see how it would work, and it’s sometimes nice to have my own space, but even after 8 1/2 years, I still have trouble falling asleep without my husband next to me, and actually we still hug when we sleep (if there are no kids in the middle!) May be it only happens after 10 years?? We’ll see!
But I really believe in “whatever works!”, so if it’s good for both of you and your marriage, then enjoy!
I’m with Shaz. After 10+ years, I still have trouble sleeping if he isn’t there.
Even though he sometimes snores like a chainsaw.
Snuggling, however? No.
I can’t stand to have him toughing me once I settle in for sleep.
Nope. You no touchy.
Glad to know that my grandparents probably don’t hate each other then. They refuse to sleep together now! If we stay at their house, my grandma sleeps on the couch over sleeping with gramps (Well, not since back surgery, but we haven’t stayed there since that).
I’m one of the minority. I love sleeping cuddled up with The Man. I usually lay with my head on his chest and he tickles my back as I fall asleep. We don’t ever stay next to each other, but I love falling asleep like that. Since we started dating, he has been my insomnia cure. I can’t fall asleep without him still. Okay, unless I’m REALLY tired..or taking a nap - when I nap, I like to be alone.
So here’s my secret…when Neil goes away to a conference, he says he misses me like crazy and has trouble sleeping.
Can you tell where this is going? I say, me too. But really, I sleep soooo much better! =P
Thank goodness for California King beds.
Sometimes hubby and I cuddle and snuggle but we really like our own space. I don’t know what we’d do if we had to share a full size bed or worse yet a twin…
Mmmmm, sounds lovely! Although I don’t have much to complain about, we don’t snore or steal covers . . .
Interesting topic to say the least!
I’m so co dependent now after 14 years. Mr Coffee and I both lose sleep when we aren’t next to each other. Even in the HOTTEST time of year, we have to at least touch toes.
Yes, I am a freak of nature. I’m his freak of nature, but a total freak.
interesting topic! I used to worry about my parents when I noticed that they weren’t sleeping in the same bed anymore… but now there are nights where the only way I CAN sleep is to head down to the guest room and stretch out all by my lonesome in the queen sized bed. Maybe it’s a sign of a healthy marriage?
I am in the minority too. I like sharing a room and a bed with D. I do like my space when sleeping sometimes though. I don’t mind starting out all snuggled up like spoons, but once I am asleep I move over, or I wake up and realize I need space to sleep. I do enjoy the extra space when he gets up for work, but I miss him at the same time.
my dear gnome snores so loud sometimes that I would gladly stuff marshmallows up his nose to get a few minutes peace. I would gladly send him to another room to sleep but we don’t even have a bedroom as it is..lmao.
Hi Brillig-
My last post was along the same lines. Separate beds is the ticket, I just haven’t cashed mine in yet. I keep getting kicked out of line- go for stage 5 and dream yourself into another state, or do Tequila shot nightcaps!
Zzzzzz- Me-Shelle
I wouldn’t recommend it. There is a level of intimacy and “oneness” to be had in the sleeping together. Even if you’re not touching.
I believe that sleeping together is the highest form of trust.
However, separate beds, separate rooms works for some people. But some people ain’t me!
~so peachy~
Ha! I get it. With our, well, my crazy sleep schedule we are rarely in the bed sleeping together.
My grandparents had separate bedrooms and the most loving marriage–and seven kids! I don’t think the sleeping situation has anything to do with the quality of marriage of level of intimacy–and there a lot to say about getting a good night’s sleep! That said, I hate it when hubby travels and I don’t have his snores to keep us up all night! I even wish we hd a Queen bedinstead of a King just to get some extra cuddles in–well sometimes!
We have friends that ended up sleeping in seperate rooms for a while when their kids were younger. The husband’s snoring wouldn’t allow the wife to fall asleep after getting up to feed the baby.
I always thought it was wierd. But there have been times when Carlos’ snoring was almost too much.
However, we got a king size bed. Much better….space! Plus, because the boys don’t allow us too much adult time (get your mind out of the gutter!), I got to bed earlier than Carlos, so that Carlos can get some of his geeky stuff done. I’m fast asleep by the time he gets to bed….so we don’t bother each other anymore!
Now…when we start going to bed at the same time again, who knows! Maybe we will just have to both have a king size bed all to ourselves!!!
BTW, hope you’re feeling better!
I think the only reason I haven’t kicked Nature Boy out to the couch is because he’s a pretty reliable heat source and we live in Wisconsin.
i have a queen sized bed for just me at the moment, and sometimes it’s nice to snuggle in it, but often it’s delish to just take over the whole thing diagonally. and so married pple feel the same way? good to know, good to know.
oh bri-
i have so much to say on this topic i might have to post something.
i totally get you!!!
if i do post i will let you know.
chesca
It’s a tough one. I read a piece once that said that it’s dangerously easy to get used to having a little child in your bed (because there’s not a toddler in the world that doesn’t like the security of being with his parents) and push one of the adults out. Personally, though I love sleeping on my own. It’s heaven. But it’s easy to read it as disloyalty. Thought-provoking stuff.
It’s always interesting to hear how other couples arrange their lives.
My wife and I sleep in the same bed and always have done, so far, in our 9 year marriage, but occassionaly my snoring prevents my wife getting to sleep and we wish we had another room so that we could sleep separately.
I can’t get to sleep if I am in contact with her, so after a cuddle it’s always “off to our own sides” of the bed.
I would be curious to know what the men think.
I know it’s pretty important to my boyfriend that we sleep together. How do I know this? Because when we first started going out, he would spend the night with me, even though all I had was a twin bed.
I’ve been captivated by the name of your blog for some time now and thought I’d hop over and take a look. And I like what I see.
And, don’t tell anyone, but I know exactly what you mean!
Feel better soon!
Hope you’re feeling better! I wish I had a nickel now for everything that my parents did when I was a kid that I thought was weird or swore I’d never do…
I totally get that sleeping separate thing…we do it often, particularly when one of us is sick. It’s just so NICE to have your own bed…especially when you have small kids and can feel a trifle SMOTHERED all day long (to say the least)And I hope you’re feeling better…?
When I travel or Mrs G travels, I don’t sleep all that well.
We both keep to our own side… I generally sleep stationary, right at the edge of the bed.
I enjoy my husband’s warmth. And so does everyone else in my household. including the cats.