May 01 2007
Stumbling Blocks
Others have mentioned the depths of despair and rage that home-selling can take you to. But, see, I’m very happy-go-lucky and ridiculously optimistic and little pebbles along the way don’t get me down.
Until last night.
I think Hubby can count the times on his fingers that he’s seen me cry–and almost every single time has been while I was pregnant or freshly postpartum (no, I’m not, so don’t even ask, because there’s no telling what I might do when pregnancy is insinuated.) I think last night counts as two. Hubby is a brave man. He has no idea what to do with a blubbering woman, but he handled himself with great dignity. He rubbed my back and listened to me blurt out stupid things during little breaks in my sobbing.
I’ve learned something about myself. I’m okay with hard work, I’m okay with having to sacrifice comfort and dignity, I’m okay with waiting and waiting for the right buyer to come around. I’m even okay with being broke because of it all.
But I’m not okay with being laughed at.
Hubby argues that I wasn’t being laughed at, but rather that I was the recipient of “constructive criticism.” And that, Gentle Readers, is a bunch of crap. This was an attack that was made personal and there was snickering involved–probably rather widespread snickering.
I screamed out, during this little breakdown of mine last night, that I’m doing EVERYTHING RIGHT!!! And when a trial is thrown my way, I get through it with kindness and patience. One blow after another, and I’m still a trooper. And rather than rewards, I get kicked a little harder the next time. And I act like a big girl and get through. So I get kicked even harder, as though the universe is searching for that one weak spot that will finally break me.
Okay, Universe! You’ve found my weakness! Kudos to you! You got me! Yes I’m a prideful, self-absorbed baby whose feelings have officially been trampled and broken. Now we all know. Well done.
And, suddenly, I’m NOT okay with the things I’d been okay with. The dream house being taken away from me? Nope. Not okay anymore. The sale price that has been lowered so low, despite all the money we’ve pumped into it? Not okay anymore. The hours of hard work I put in, and then the waiting and waiting and waiting? Nope. And, oh yeah, that baby that I lost, who I didn’t even know at the time that I was pregnant with, who surely died from all the heavy lifting and painting and crazy hours I was keeping? I handled that with the patience of Job, even through all the bleeding and hormonal swings and everything else involved. I was so okay with it. But I’m just NOT anymore!
But that’s not really me talking. Just my hurt feelings. Because I am okay with all of it. And I’ll get through this one too. Funny that this would turn out to be the straw that broke my back. I guess I really am learning a lot about myself.
And that’s probably the whole point.
Oh Brillig,
I hate times like these, but it’s good and satisfying when the build up finally breaches the lid and you can let it all out.
Isn’t it funny how as you get older, you have to maintain so many crappy loads until finally, one little thing can take you right back to the days when something as awful as a broken cookie would bring you to tears.
Hang in there, the place will sell, it has to.
I think we all have these moments. Doesn’t make them any easier, but hopefully it helps knowing people understand and are thinking of you. Hang in there.
((HUGS))
We’re here for ya, Brill!
The Man (after being accused of ALWAYS being in a bad mood) claimed that he’s a very easy-going guy. It’s just the little shit…the little shit adds up and makes a big problem and if the little shit would just STOP he’d be in a better mood.
I’m teasing him, but he’s right…he usually is very easy going. Sometimes the ‘little shit’ just doesn’t stop for a while. Maybe it is just a test of your patience.
Whatever it is, “this too, shall pass.” Keep your chin up!
(PS - I’m so sorry that happened. I’ve been through a miscarriage like that before - none are ever ‘easy’. You are in my prayers, dear Brillig.)
SOMEONE BUY BRILLIG’S HOUSE ALREADY!!!!
Wow, I’m so sorry…
Hope it sells soon.
Darlin’, as we hear so often . . . this to shall pass. But that doesn’t excuse the person making fun of you.
Let’s go hunt them down and do something mean. I’ll stay for an extra day just to accomplish that!
Haha, ok, I’m kidding. But if you wanted to I’m so there.
Oh honey, I would give you a big hug and a pound of chocolate if I could! I know we can all relate to how you are feeling - sometimes I feel like I handle things with so much grace and keep pushing on, only to be blindsided by something I can’t fix. Then I have a total breakdown. I think they are healthy, we have to have them to remember that we are fragile little things! I’m so sorry that the selling of your house is difficult and I am extremely sorry to hear about your little loss, you’ve been through so much. Hang in there, I love you!
Brilliant Brillig! Just brilliant.
Even your meltdowns are poetic and frankly I give kudos to you for having the meltdown in the first place and for sharing it in the second place. I have no real advice or sage wisdom to share, I wish I did. Perhaps it would be profound AND prophetic. Nah, probably not.
But I will say this: I hear you. Obviously so do the other commenters thus far. That’s gotta be worth something, right?
I hear you Brillig. Keep talking.
Just remember that ‘what doesn’t break you, makes you stronger’ - that’s my mantra when the crappy stuff happens. Better times ahead I hope.
Well I tell ya what. It just seems like we can have a day from time to time when we don’t have to fight. But that ain’t happening. So let’s just be happy that we have a house or two to fuss over.
Once, I was in the depths of despair. I was in a very unhappy marriage. I was pregnant again. I wanted to die.
I thought if I just turned the steering wheel, I could go off the bridge and be finished with it.
At that moment, the song “Signs” was playing on the radio. It was right at the point where it said, “Thank you, Lord, for thinkin ’bout me! I’m alive and doin fine!”
And it hit me. I needed to be thankful to be alive and really, I was fine! Much finer than some. Finer than most!
It’s in the giving of thanks that we find contentment and peace.
(PS - My son, with whom I was pregnant at the time - has now had that line tattooed on his forearm, with a cross in the background.)
And we KNOW that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to HIS purpose.
For the which cause I also suffer these things: nevertheless I am not ashamed: for I know whom I have believed, and am persuaded that he is able to keep that which I have committed unto him against that day.
(I know these are verses that are used so much we may overlook them, but do try to wrap them around you now. Be persuaded. Do ya love it when you get preaching from a cathouse?)
Oh, wonderful, heartfelt post. It feels good to get all of that out, doesn’t it?!?
As you know, I’m right there with you on the selling and buying front.
All in good time. Or atleast, that’s what I keep telling myself.
Hang in there!!
I’m so sorry you are going through such a hard time. You are way stronger than I would be in your situation! Keep your chin up and try not to think of the jerks in the world.
I’m sorry Brillig. You’re still my idol. You’re a blogging mama with Lots and lots of kids…I don’t know how you do it. I can barely cope with two!!
I’m also sorry for your loss. I’ve been through that too and I know how difficult that can be.
Thanks for sharing such an honest post with us. I am so sorry for everything you’ve been going through and hope that you will get your reward tenfold for all of this effort. You deserve it!
love the reference to Job.
i hear you.