Twas Brillig

I went to Walmart on Friday night, hoping to get an Easter dress for Fluffy. It’s a tradition that I like a lot because with her birthday being in December along with Christmas, she gets plenty of winter clothing, but not much Springy/summer-y stuff. And, since I get her something, I have to get something for the boys (this year it was hotwheels cars) and they always get a basket with enough candy to be obnoxious and on my nerves for a few weeks….

Walmart. Crazy. Oh my gosh, so crazy. I had no idea. Women who would have otherwise seemed like normal, rational human beings were scouring through the bottom of barrells reaching for the last princess sparkly plastic egg set or whatever the crap they had to have so desperately that they were willing to sacrifice all respect, decency, and logic to obtain. There were also no easter dresses left, so after going to Target and Kohls, and dealing with the same insanity there, I walked away with a little cotton summer dress that was not at all what I’d been wanting to get her, but cute and cheap and, well, a dress.

But amidst the craziness, I had to ask myself, as I have asked so many times before, why is it okay to lie to our children on special occasions?

I go to great lengths to make sure I NEVER lie to them. I want them to be able to trust me, to be able to believe me, to be able to count on me.

But then, when it comes to the easter bunny or santa claus or the tooth fairy, all I DO is lie. And for what? To pretend like it’s really a bunny who brings them candy and hotwheels cars and easter dresses? IS IT REALLY SO ESSENTIAL THAT THEY BELIEVE IT WAS A BUNNY AND NOT ME???

My parents didn’t believe in lying to us (maybe this is where I get it?) so they would tell us the truth and then explain that it’s just fun to pretend like it’s a bunny or santa claus or whatever. I think it made their lives SO MUCH EASIER and I don’t think I was scarred by their honesty. In fact, as I got older, I admired them for not being willing to lie. And holidays were still so wonderful! It didn’t take away from the magic of Christmas or anything. At least I don’t think it did…

My husband grew up much more traditionally with a mother who still tries to convince her 30 year old children that Santa is real. She’s darling and sweet and an excellent mother and her children obviously weren’t scarred for believing in fairy tales.

So, I guess maybe there really isn’t a right way or a wrong way. But when my daughter was told by a little boy on the playground the other day that there was no easter bunny and watching her defend the “truth” of the easter bunny with all the might that her little soul could muster, it sure felt wrong!

What do you all think?

Great plans for the weekend? No? I have an idea. COME AND BUY MY HOUSE!!!!

What’s sexy, sassy, big enough for your entourage, with fabulous lake views? MY HOUSE. COME BUY. SPECIAL PRICE FOR YOU!

How could you go wrong? 3200 sq. ft. 5 bedrooms, 3 full bathrooms, fully landscaped yard. You know you want it. You KNOW you do.

We’re, um, starting to feel the encroaching panic. In one month, we will be the proud owners of a brand new house. We will also be the downtrodden owners of our old house.

Fortunately, we have saved up for this eventuality and we’ll be okay for a little while with both mortgages. But not for too long. And you know what would be smokin’ sweet? Is if someone were to buy our old house, oh, say, RIGHT NOW!

It’s not that it hasn’t been shown approximately a million times, it’s just that no one has made an offer. No one says it’s overpriced or ugly or dirty or anything like that. I just isn’t the house for THEM. Sigh. It makes me feel powerless, because if there were something WRONG with it, I’d fix it. In the meantime, I just wait.

These are the things that keep my husband up at night. He’s so wonderfully responsible (and a big fat pessimist…), so something like this concerns him because he’s already picturing us carrying two mortgage payments six months from now. That won’t be very good. And, due to said responsibility, he can’t sleep for the terror that this possibility brings.

So, come on over and buy my house. Seriously.

All animals are equal, but pigs are more equal.

I guess I was sheltered, because my dad is so good to my mom. He adores her. He empowers her. He is thrilled for her when things go well and comforts her when things are hard.

And then I stumbled into the best marriage a woman could have. I don’t think I necessarily deserve it, nor do I credit it to any smarts on my part. My husband adores me, empowers me, is happy for me, and comforts me. He knows I’m not perfect (believe me, he knows) but he loves me anyway and goes to great lengths to make sure I know it.

I didn’t realize that these two amazing men are such an exception. Really, I think it was just recently that I realized that even the civilized world is full of, well, pigs. And I’m not talking about the physically or sexually abusive ones. No, those ones ought to be dragged out into the street and shot. Instead, I’m talking about the emotionally abusive ones. It’s so much harder to measure emotional abuse. There are no apparent scars, no trips to the hospital, no screams from the pain.

You already have someone in mind, don’t you! You probably know a whole bunch of pigs! These are the men who tell their wives that they’re fat and unattractive. These are the guys who demand a spotless house at all costs, or else (while never lifting a finger to help). These are men whose egos must be constantly stroked, but who only criticize and belittle in return.

Sadly, my circle of sisters and friends is chock full of women who are married to pigs.

Among my favorite pigs to despise is my friend’s husband Joseph. Every day he does something to make me furious. Here are just a few of his charms:

• While she was pregnant with her second baby she was incredibly sick, puking all the time. He insisted that the house be spotless and that his dinner be ready by the time he got home, regardless of how sick she was. She told me about one day that he came home and dinner wasn’t ready because she was hunched over, ralphing in the sink. He stared at her disdainfully and said, “HELLO? Is my dinner almost ready?”
• He recently announced that she is too fat and he’s not attracted to her, yet he demands sex all the time…
• Because of said fatness, she MUST lose weight. He will pay her $100 for every inch she loses. (By the way, she’s NOT fat, but he is VERY MUCH SO.)
• He’s jealous of the kids because sometimes she pays more attention to them than she does to him. She is only allowed to pay attention to HIM.
• When she and I got into politics one day, it was clear that I wasn’t the traditional Utah Republican. “Oh, PLEASE don’t tell Joseph,” she said. “He won’t let me be friends with you anymore!”
• He was laid off from his job, so she went to work, but was still required to take care of the kids and the house. The church began donating clothing, food, and even money to help pay the mortgage until he got back up on his feet. He used the money to buy a ginormous-screen TV. He didn’t look for a new job. He sat around watching TV and playing video games while criticizing his wife for not making enough money and for not keeping the house clean enough. This went on for a whole year.

I could go on and on about Joseph, because he’s a real winner, and I could also go on and on about most of the losers that my friends and my sisters (mine and my husband’s) married. But you get it already–there are a lot of pigs.

But here’s the part that I don’t get. If you ask my friend about any of this stuff, she just defends him. To no end! She calls me to complain about him, and then she defends him when I commiserate with her. She is miserable, demeaned, belittled, cheapened by this relationship, but she will stay in it and allow him to be as big of a pig as he wants to. “Besides,” she says. “God doesn’t condone divorce.”

Fine. Don’t get divorced, if that’s what you believe. But don’t put up with Joseph’s crap, either. Give him the choice to change and help him in his changes, but if he doesn’t, then get the heck outta there. Because God certainly doesn’t condone emotional abuse. She must really, really hate herself to believe that this is what God wants for her. And sure, Joseph might enjoy it for now, but she isn’t doing him any service in the long run by enabling this behavior.

And in the meantime, she and Joseph are raising two tiny little piglets, so that the next generation can have their fair share, too.

This was a dream come true for my parents.

My parents were great adventurers. They had pretty much seen everything and been everywhere. But this one last stop meant the world to them.

They were distracted. And who can blame them? How often is a lifelong wish granted?

Obviously, if you’d asked either one of them, they would have adamanty professed that the safety of their youngest daughter was more important to them than anything, including this. And I believe that they meant it too. But somehow they were so excited and distracted by their dream that they didn’t see my camel driver slipping away with me.

I watched in horror as my parents continued on towards the great pyramids, and I was being taken somewhere else. Logic would have told me to scream and make a scene, but I was a stupid teenager and it didn’t even occur to me that that was an option. I just froze and rode the camel to wherever it was being driven.

Fortunately, I wasn’t just stupid–I was lucky, too. How many little girls live to tell such a story? I wasn’t hurt. I wasn’t even touched. My camel driver didn’t want me, he just wanted money, which I didn’t have. But my daddy did, and if he would kindly take me back to my family I would see that he got paid. Miraculously, my driver took me back to them.

They didn’t even know I’d been gone.

And now, I’m all grown up. I, too, get distracted. We all do. We sacrifice what matters the most for what’s distracting us in the moment.

My distractions include chocolate, entertainment, vanity, laziness, convenience, being in “too big of a hurry” and so much more.

What distracts you?

You click on my blog. The page loads. But wait! Something here looks different! Are you in the right place?

Rest assured, gentle readers, that you are in the right place. It’s just that I get antsy really easy. Also, my sweet husband just so happens to be a professional web developer and slowly but surely he’s managing to crack through my unbelievably thick skull to show me a thing or two. Bear with me. I’m learning. I’m trying. Really, I am!

(Did you notice my cool rotating pics of my kiddos? Didya? Didya? Please tell me how cool it is. PLEASE! You have absolutely no idea how long it took me to figure that out. Seriously. I need the positive reinforcement, people…)

The Lovely and Illustrious Sugan Kane graciously interviewed me this weekend. She gave me my own personalized list of questions to answer. Now, I have here-to-fore shied away from “memes,” because I don’t really think anyone CARES that my favorite color is green or that I prefer chocolate to just about anything else in my life. However, in this case, these are more thought-provoking and more interesting and I thought it would be fun! So, without further ado, here we go:

1. What’s been the biggest challenge in caring for four children all 5 years and younger? Goodness, the biggest challenge? There are SO many, but none of them very significant. Now, before I sound like I’m complaining, let me assure you that I am NOT. These children didn’t just beam themselves into my life, nor were any of them “mistakes.” Hubby and I planned every single one of them. That probably surprises some of you, but it’s the truth. (And, for those nosy inquiring minds, there are absolutely no plans whatsoever for future offspring, thank you very much.)

Anyway, back to the actual question, I think that one of the biggest challenges is when someone is sick. This weekend, for instance, Lil’ Dude began throwing up. A lot. I took him (and the other three kids in tow, of course–chaos ensued, as usual) to the doctor, who looked at him and told me that he had a gastro-intestinal something or other and that he was highly contagious and to expect all of my kids to get it.

And sure enough, a Puke Fest Was Born.

Along these same lines, a couple months ago, Lil’ Dude was hospitalized for severe RSV. The other kids weren’t allowed at the hospital. So somehow I had to juggle a baby in the hospital and three very young and needy children at home. I think this was the hardest time yet. Hubby and I were running completely ragged. We weren’t getting any sleep. The baby wasn’t getting better. I was trying to be everywhere at once and trying to meet the needs of a very sick baby without compromising my time and attention to the three healthy kids at home.

(Lil’ Dude in his hospital gown. How cute is that? Who knew they made hospital gowns in, shall we say, “petite” sizes!)

But we made it through! We always do!

2. What is your dream holiday? This one is hard, because part of me would really love to get away from the kids and have a nice relaxing time. But the other part of me would miss them terribly. So I really don’t know. But I think I’d love to just go away with Hubby for a week to somewhere warm and full of history and interesting things to see and learn. So let’s go with Italy, and just the two of us.

3. Which freebie would you choose:
A] new home, equipped with maid, cook, and wait staff
B] college tuition for your children Funny you should ask. We are actually building a brand new dream home of sorts–it will be done in a month. I don’t mind cooking and I certainly don’t need a wait staff (though the maid would be AWESOME). So I guess I’d choose college tuition for the kids. We have been actively saving for their college, but what if one of them were to be accepted into an Ivy League school or something? We’d never be able to afford it, but I’d hate to deny them such an amazing opportunity. So, B it is.

4. Who would you want to play you in the movie version of your life and why? Angelina Jolie. Hahaha. Because, see, she’s hot and edgy, yet still considered a humanitarian and a great mom. I guess that’s how I’d like to be seen. Plus, if she’s in it then it will be a huge box office blow out, leading to fame and fortune for me. See? Everybody wins!

5. If you could spend a year living in any era which would you pick and why? I thought about this one a lot over the weekend. I’m fascinated by culture and history and there are so many eras that I could maybe spend a DAY in, but not a whole year. See here’s the problem. I’m just too loud and obnoxious and opinionated. I could never live in a time when women weren’t allowed to have their opinion heard. So, with that in mind, I would go with the Sixties, because I would have enjoyed being involved in the marches of the Civil Rights movement and Vietnam protests and so on. Plus, I’d do pretty much anything to be able to have seen the Beatles live!

Thanks a ton for the questions, Sugan Kane. And now it’s my turn to become interviewer! Woohoo! Those of you who’d like an interview, go ahead and mention it in the comments. I’ll put my personalized questions for you in my comments, and then you answer the questions on your own blog. A good time will be had by all.