Twas Brillig

When I was 15, I found myself back in Jerusalem. I knew I’d be going back. I’d prepared myself. Jerusalem held a huge chunk of my heart, but it also held my worst memories–the stuff that nightmares are made of. Real nightmares, not just dreams.

But I was strong. I could be okay. I could smell the spices and hear the prayers and see the towers out my window. I was strong. Everyone had already decided that I was, so I must have been.

One night, as I slept in my bed, an explosion went off nearby. I leapt out of the soft realm of sleep into the harsh world. One explosion. Then another. And then the sounds of shattering glass.

I knew these sounds already. But these were close, much too close.

But where were the alarms? Where was the air raid siren? And why was I the only one who seemed to be aware that we were under attack?

My heart was racing, my ears were throbbing to the point that I could no longer hear anything but my own pulse. It was all up to me. It was all on my frail shoulders. This building housed nearly 200 people but no one seemed to be hearing what I was hearing. That realization was terrifyingly lonely and too overwhelming. But they had to be saved, and apparently they had to be saved by me.

I ran to the living room but from there the fear or the responsibility or both paralized me. I just stood there shaking and gasping for air, for time, for clarity.

And then another explosion.

Except that there was lightning with it.

And with a wave of relief, as though someone were pouring warm water over me, I suddenly understood that there was no bomb, no fire, no shattered glass. Just thunder and lightning and hail hitting the windows. I giggled, I guess, because maybe it was funny. But the giggles quickly turned into sobs of despair as I collapsed into a pathetic heap on the floor. I had just learned something about myself, something too unbearable: I wasn’t over it yet. For all my preparation, all my rationalization, all my suppression, I just simply wasn’t over it yet!

How could I not be over it? It had been years by now. And I was so strong! I cried and cried and prayed for forgiveness for my weakness. I was so sorry–so incredibly sorry. I was letting everyone down. It was unacceptable to act like this. I wasn’t allowed to feel fear or despair, and here I was breaking all the rules. And I was so ashamed.

And I knew that I could never tell them that I wasn’t over it. It was hard enough admitting it to myself, and then to God. And besides, to them, there wasn’t ever really anything to get over. And it would be terribly, terribly inconvenient to them for me to suddenly let them know. They were all counting on me to be okay. And if I wasn’t, then they’d have to deal with me, and what did they know about that?

So I resolved never to let them know. They would never know about the fool I’d made of myself that night in the living room. I would go on acting as though it had all just been an interesting history lesson. Emotionless, for emotion was weakness. And by now, I was so good at the role I had cast myself in and I had the whole script memorized. It wasn’t going to be so hard.

And so I willed my pulse to stop racing and the tears to stop falling. I pulled myself up off the floor and walked slowly and deliberately back to my bed, back to being strong.

I had been awakened to my own frailty that night. But when daylight arrived, they would never know the difference.

(Yeah, right. As if anyone could humble me now!)

Just as soon as I pushed “publish” on my last post, I discovered that Jenny at Absolutely Bananas has also awarded me today. In her case, though, it wasn’t actually because she knows anything about me (perhaps she would have held off if she did…) but rather because I answered a trivia question correctly on her site. (See, gentle readers? You never know when my head full of useless facts is going to win me an award…)

So now I have a SILVER to go with my GOLD. And yes, they will BOTH be proudly displayed in my sidebar, because heaven knows I’m not likely to receive any other awards any time soon!

Wow. Uh… not sure what to say. As I do everyday, though I’m getting around to it a bit later than normal today due to fabulous shopping trip which will undoubtedly get a whole post of its own somewhere in here, I was scrolling through all my favorite blogs, one of which is Am I going mad… or am I just a mommy (with a name like that, shouldn’t it be on everyone’s favorite list?). And lo and behold, MoodSwingingMommy had nominated me for:

And if that wasn’t enough, look at what she said:

Brillig seems to have lived all over the globe, and recounts her experiences with a great sense of wit and passion for life.

Could I be ANY more flattered? Seriously. How very kind.

And now the torch has been passed on to me. Here are the instructions:
1. If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think.
>2. Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of this award.

3. Optional: Proudly display the “Thinking Blogger Award” (and for all of you whiners and perfectionistic types, here is an alternative silver version if gold doesn’t fit your blog. Snob.)

The hard part for me is going to be deciding upon just 5. See, all of those blogs there in my sidebar are there because I love them. And I love them because they make me think. (Cuz if they made me stupider, I probably wouldnt love them, now would I?) But because I’m so obnoxious in my obedience, I will try to follow the rules. And so here they are, in random order…

1. Butrfly Garden. Butrfly is a smart and sassy woman with a great big heart. Her sidebar is full of links to charities and other worthwhile organizations and every Tuesday she issues us a “green challenge” to encourage us all to protect our precious planet. She seems to really believe that one person can make a difference and she’s determined to be that person.

2. Walking Kateastrophe. Kate is a funny girl who comes across as very poised, but is apparently a big ol’ clutz. She keeps a ticker on her blog telling you how many days it’s been since her last “Kateastrophe”–always hilarious. But there’s often more depth here than first meets the eye– she’ll have you in stitches one minute and in tears the next.

3. The View From Here. Gunfighter of The View From Here is extremely eloquent. He has a lot to say about race, fatherhood, kindness, and society in general. And, well, he just makes sense. I know he’s gotten this nom before, but he definitely deserves it again. He’s a daily “MUST READ.”

4. Melissavina. Melissavina is the kind of girl you just wanna hang out with. She makes me laugh, but she also causes me to pause and evaluate the world around me. She has a way of saying things that makes you wish you’d come up with them, because they’re so stinking clever!

5. Because I Must Blog. Worker Mommy, as she calls herself, is a delightful mother of 3-year-old twins and step-mother of two teens and she always has hilarious stories to tell. But she’s also clever and insightful, and she asserts that she’s “preserving her sanity one post at a time.” She’s relatively new and, from what I can see, relatively unknown. But I think she’s one of the best kept secrets on the internet! You’re missing out if you’re not checking in with her every day.

All right, now. Ready, set, GO! Go read these awesome blogs! Increase your circle of friends! You never know who you’ll meet, who might teach you something, and who will make your life a better place.

By the way, some of my dearest e-friends weren’t nominated here, and it’s kinda making me sad, because they’re awesome too… so once you’ve exhausted my 5 nominations here, go check out the rest of the bloglist in the sidebar. You’ll be so glad you did!