Twas Brillig

All animals are equal, but pigs are more equal.

I guess I was sheltered, because my dad is so good to my mom. He adores her. He empowers her. He is thrilled for her when things go well and comforts her when things are hard.

And then I stumbled into the best marriage a woman could have. I don’t think I necessarily deserve it, nor do I credit it to any smarts on my part. My husband adores me, empowers me, is happy for me, and comforts me. He knows I’m not perfect (believe me, he knows) but he loves me anyway and goes to great lengths to make sure I know it.

I didn’t realize that these two amazing men are such an exception. Really, I think it was just recently that I realized that even the civilized world is full of, well, pigs. And I’m not talking about the physically or sexually abusive ones. No, those ones ought to be dragged out into the street and shot. Instead, I’m talking about the emotionally abusive ones. It’s so much harder to measure emotional abuse. There are no apparent scars, no trips to the hospital, no screams from the pain.

You already have someone in mind, don’t you! You probably know a whole bunch of pigs! These are the men who tell their wives that they’re fat and unattractive. These are the guys who demand a spotless house at all costs, or else (while never lifting a finger to help). These are men whose egos must be constantly stroked, but who only criticize and belittle in return.

Sadly, my circle of sisters and friends is chock full of women who are married to pigs.

Among my favorite pigs to despise is my friend’s husband Joseph. Every day he does something to make me furious. Here are just a few of his charms:

• While she was pregnant with her second baby she was incredibly sick, puking all the time. He insisted that the house be spotless and that his dinner be ready by the time he got home, regardless of how sick she was. She told me about one day that he came home and dinner wasn’t ready because she was hunched over, ralphing in the sink. He stared at her disdainfully and said, “HELLO? Is my dinner almost ready?”
• He recently announced that she is too fat and he’s not attracted to her, yet he demands sex all the time…
• Because of said fatness, she MUST lose weight. He will pay her $100 for every inch she loses. (By the way, she’s NOT fat, but he is VERY MUCH SO.)
• He’s jealous of the kids because sometimes she pays more attention to them than she does to him. She is only allowed to pay attention to HIM.
• When she and I got into politics one day, it was clear that I wasn’t the traditional Utah Republican. “Oh, PLEASE don’t tell Joseph,” she said. “He won’t let me be friends with you anymore!”
• He was laid off from his job, so she went to work, but was still required to take care of the kids and the house. The church began donating clothing, food, and even money to help pay the mortgage until he got back up on his feet. He used the money to buy a ginormous-screen TV. He didn’t look for a new job. He sat around watching TV and playing video games while criticizing his wife for not making enough money and for not keeping the house clean enough. This went on for a whole year.

I could go on and on about Joseph, because he’s a real winner, and I could also go on and on about most of the losers that my friends and my sisters (mine and my husband’s) married. But you get it already–there are a lot of pigs.

But here’s the part that I don’t get. If you ask my friend about any of this stuff, she just defends him. To no end! She calls me to complain about him, and then she defends him when I commiserate with her. She is miserable, demeaned, belittled, cheapened by this relationship, but she will stay in it and allow him to be as big of a pig as he wants to. “Besides,” she says. “God doesn’t condone divorce.”

Fine. Don’t get divorced, if that’s what you believe. But don’t put up with Joseph’s crap, either. Give him the choice to change and help him in his changes, but if he doesn’t, then get the heck outta there. Because God certainly doesn’t condone emotional abuse. She must really, really hate herself to believe that this is what God wants for her. And sure, Joseph might enjoy it for now, but she isn’t doing him any service in the long run by enabling this behavior.

And in the meantime, she and Joseph are raising two tiny little piglets, so that the next generation can have their fair share, too.